The Misadventures of Sexual Hobo

7:45am: Welcome Back
Coming into the shack after having told everyone hello that works in the Sex Shop, I see my journal. Picking it up, I blow the dust off and notice how long it has been. Well, I will read the old journals tonight as I enjoy a can of frank and beans. Tomorrow I will start writing down all the stuff that happened to me during my unexpected vacation in Florida. I sure am glad the boss understood and that I had enough money to call and tell him. He is just like the guy on the train and chuckles every time he sees me. I will have to ask him why someday.

3:20pm: There Are Times
There are times in my life where I just work extra hard to get over the things that happen to me. I now look at voodoo and worms in TAKILLYA so much different. I have discovered that I can tan easily; however, I have never learned to start slowly and use sun block until this time.
Now, the other day I went down to the hobo jungle under the railroad trestle since I had some days off to visit friends. It seems a lot of them were riding the rails since summer has set in and most were off visiting old friends. The rest were out trying to find some grub I am sure. Well, I decided to go down to the little river and take a dip since the weather was sweltering. I had brought along my madras shorts that I use for swimtrunks. Unfortunately, they are a little too big and are loose so I decided to just go skinny dipping instead.
Ahhh, the cool water was so refreshing and so I climbed out of the river and decided to take a nap under the weeping willow tree. Now, you know that Big John is always with me and how I worry about deranged women wanting to steal him. I wanted to take a nap so decided to lay him on my chest because I would awaken if anyone tried to grab him. The hanging limps of the willow also gave me some privacy.

I fell asleep with a nice breeze blowing. I do not know how long I slept but when I woke up I had that feeling. You know the one - sunburn hot feeling. Yep, I had done it again. Seems the breeze had picked up and kept the limbs from covering me. I took Big John off my chest and slid into the cool river water to try and soothe the sunburn. Coming out I sat on the side of the river.

Holy crap! I could see myself in the water's reflection. I now have another dilemma since the sunburn in turning into a tan. I have a perfect patch of white skin on my chest in the perfect shape of Big John! I am reluctant to get some of that automatic tanning stuff but I cannot cover myself and tan there because it would cause too many questions. I don't dare ask anyone what to do to correct the problem. They would only laugh. Guess I will have to swim with a tee shirt on which means that I will have to wear my red suspenders with my madras swim shorts. What a pain in the butt. No more skinny dipping for me for awhile.

12:06pm: TAKILLYA Madness
I am hammering away on the vood doo princess with Big John. Now I had gotten over the yellow stuff coming out of her cunt and Big John was really sliding easy but I almost lost it. I really don't know what to call it because in all my limited sex life had never encountered it. I don't know what to call it but the closest I can come to giving it a word or words is - pussy fart? cunt cough? I swear on a stack of Hustlers that happened! Well, the smell was not very good either. SHIVER!

When I squeezed the balls and the TAKILLYA spurted in her,two things happened. First she dropped the doll. Secondly, her back arched and she screamed a blood curdling scream. Now to get the doll and beat feet! Nope, I forgot to tell you that she came down on the table and wrapped her bony legs around my waist and was humping like a banshee on Big John. I was scared let me tell you because now I was getting a regular symphony of squishy sounds,pussy farts, moans, and ass slapping on the alter. I was trying to back away from her and break that bony leg hold at the same time. I needed that doll! But I was now delirious with fear and was trying my best to jam Big John up to her tonsils hoping she would let go of me!

"I AM CUMMING AGAIN!", she screamed.

"ME TOO!", I screamed back. I then gave the balls the hardest squeeze I could. Now I know those balls hold 4 good shots of TAKILLYA because I measured it one time when I was trying to market him to a little Mexican lady that loved TAKILLYA. Well, that last load did the trick. She fainted. I took Big John from her and noticed all those strange symbols were gone she had written on them. Poor Big John was no longer pink but a rainbow of colors. Talk about toxic cunt. It had melted all those colors into him. I wiped him off with the cloth next to the alter and quickly moved to grab the doll.

Bending over, I felt...PAIN! Holy Moly it hurt worst than the voodoo doll prick trick! Standing up my buns tightened and I looked behind me. A bony hand was attached to the pin and the pin was out of sight in my ass. It was my time to scream!

Then I looked and the hand began to become younger. The woman released the pin buried in my ass and began laughing. Right before my eyes she was growing younger and more beautiful. It was hard for me to imagine how horrid she looked as her body transformed. Hell, she even had a full set of teeth now and her boobs were, well, gorgeous. She was laughing now and not cackling as she filled her hands with her boobs. God, I was saved!

But then...things started happening. She began shaking violently and looked at me all wild eyed and stuff. It was definitely not a look of lust or love in her eyes. I began backing away as she slid off the alter. Only the head of that pin hitting the corner of a table and the ensuing pain caused me to stop. My attention went from her to that pin immediately! Looking I slid...no YANKED! the pin out of my ass. Too late!

I felt her fingers grasp my throat as she began choking me. She rasped, "You used the big dildo. You did not cum in me. What was in those balls?"

Somehow I managed to say, "TAKILLYA."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooo".

Suddenly her hands released my throat and I swear there was lightening going off in that room but suddenly there was a big puff of green smoke. I was coughing and trying to see so I could run but just as quickly the smoke cleared. She was not there! Gone!

The movement caught my eye. I looked over at the TAKILLYA bottle and in the half filled bottle was a green worm struggling and wiggling. I watched this with wide eyes. Could it be? Soon the worm's struggles stopped. I don't know to this day IF that was her. I think about it often because I have this small, but pink scar on my ass cheek to this day. I won't touch any drink except TAKILLYA (without the worm) and still use it in my sell pitches to women when trying to sell Big John.

Anyway, I got the hell out of that room and soon found my clothes in a pile next to the kitchen table. I shiver to think what did happen while I was drugged. At least my cock has not rotted and fallen off yet and I am not having any strange things happening to my mind or body. In fact the doctor who comes out and does charity work with the hobo camp said I was in great physical condition even with the unannounced shivers I have. Well, you would shiver too if you remembered something like this if it had happened to you.

As I was getting dressed, I looked around the kitchen. There was a chicken hanging from the ceiling with a cut throat. The blood was dropping slowly into a big pan. There were two shrunken heads sitting on the counter staring straight ahead and a bunch of other stuff I had never seen before. I never learn.

On the wall were glass vials filled with different colored stuff. I was tucking in my jersey and reading the labels. On the top shelf was one marked "Love Potion No. 10." Now I had heard the song Love Potion Number Nine. You know, it makes logical sense that if you have a number nine then you have some numbers in front of it and ten is the basis of our math, so ten was logical. I took it from the shelf and slipped it into the breast pocket of my jacket. Having gathered everything up, I had one last thing to do.

Dropping my pants, I bent over and holding Big John's tip next to my wound, I squeezed the balls one last time. A drop formed on the tip and the TAKILLYA fell onto the wound. Yes, it hurt from the alcohol in the booze but nothing like a pin shoved in your ass or the dick of a voo doo doll. I immediately pulled my white boxer shorts with the hamburger stitched on the front over my ass and pulled my pants up. It was time to get the hell out of here.

Going outside I could see that night had settled in. I had no idea how long I had been here but I did not care. I was getting the heck out of here and now. I even exchanged some bent and broken parts from my bike with one she had leaning next to the back door. I did not care if the handlebars had shrunken heads hanging from them. The handlebar was in good shape and mine was a mess. Besides, she owed me for all the pain and suffering and I did not need a judge to rule in favor of me in a court of law.

I coasted downhill back toward town and my humble place. The deliveries I needed to make would get done tomorrow. Yes, I stood up all the way down the hill.

3:42pm: Who Do the Voo Doo?
Sorry I have taken so long to make another entry but my voo doo experience is still a fresh one and it does not take much to remember dolls, pins, voo doo priestess,and other things. I must tell you that I do not have a lot of prized possessions but my cock is certainly one of them. Have you ever thought about the fact that someone else could hurt it or control it and never touch you? Well, I believe they can. Hell, when that woman stuck that pin in that doll, I knew right then someone could.

Anyway, I am on this cold ass slab of an alter. Big John has been voodooed and this crazy nag has just given me the pains of my life. She has slapped my balls and pricked my prick, so to speak.

Now, the room is filling up with this wierd smoke. I am thinking about holding my breath but know that it won't work. She gets up and brings over this blue vial of liquid and says, "Drink this." Well, I don't know what kind of drug this hag has dreamed up so I am tight lipped and shake my head no.

"Okay, have it your way."

Before I could do anything, she had grabbed the doll and shoved that pin in its ass. Well, what do you think I did? I fucking yelled and when I did, she poured the liquid in my open mouth. I involuntarily swallowed and was squirming on the table because I had one huge pain in my ass. She cackled and pulled out the pin. I lay on the cold alter sweating and trying to get my breath when the pain suddenly disappeared. Now I am really scared. I have been pinned twice and now have drank a blue liquid. The old woman sits down close to the alter and stares at my cock. Me I am looking now at the ceiling to discover it has a mirror and there I am naked and cuffed on my back.

Let me tell you, I do not know what she gave me but I suddenly felt a tingle in my balls and then my cock. I was staring up into my face because I did not want to throw up on myself by looking at her. Holy Moly!

I watched my cock start to harden. I could feel it move on the inside of my thigh and could actually watch it. No wait! Don't do this! I was screaming quietly to my cock but it obviously was in some sort of voo doo hex. I think there might have been tears sliding out of the corners of my eyes.

Well, it was not long before I soon had the biggest and hardest boner of my life. At this point I was hoping that it did not keep growing and burst out of the skin. I could actually see the veins in it. My attention was drawn away from my mirrored image when I heard her cackling life and clapping hands.

"Thank you goddess, thank you goddess, thank you goddess. You have sent me a virgin cock! Now, I know my age will reverse when he cums in me."

Huh? What? No way is my cock going in her!

"Now little virgin I also love pain and am going to put clips on my nipples. Would you like to do that? If so I will let you go." Wait she was going to uncuff me? I shook my head in a violent shaking of yes. She released one hand and one leg but before doing that grabbed the doll and pin and held it. Crap! Next she undid my other wrist and then the leg and spun me to sit on the edge of the table. She then reached over and grabbed the nipple clips. Now I knew how to work them because I had accidently, and the operative word here, is accidently clipped mine one day while trying to learn the store's merchandise. Did you know that little screw thingie on it determines the bite of a clip. Yeah, it hurt like hell.

Anyways, I am sitting there with a huge hard on and she reaches down and grabs my balls with one hand and pokes her tits out for me to do her. So, I made the adjustments so they would be tight before opening the clip. No wonder they are called alligator clips! I opened the clip and put it on her nipple without touching her. She screamed, "I am cumming it hurts so good." She began rubbing her cunt on my shin bone. Gross the old hag was cumming. Even now I shiver to think about it. Well, I wanted that old cumming cunt OFF my leg so I quickly slipped the other one on. She was moaning and let go of my balls.

I can tell you that someday I hope that what I saw just then might possibly be funny to me but at the moment it was not. Imagine this. Old, flat tits with nipple clips on them. That is not so bad but the chain connecting the two was hanging below her navel. SHIVER!

She immediately grabbed the doll and starting muttering these crazy words again and slowly dancing around the alter. Was I getting frantic? Hell yes but frantic became crazed when she danced around to the front of me and dipped her fingers in her cunt. What the hell? She then made an X with her wet fingers over my nipples and sumbitch they got hard instantly. So here I am with a cock and nipples now out of control and this old woman is going to fuck me and become young?

"When you cum in me I will get 20 years younger. You better be able to have multiple orgasms or you die. Hell, you might die anyway. Some have when they came."

What? I fuck her and she gets younger. If I don't fuck her she kills me and if I do cum I might die? Remember I told you that frantic was not a good description of what was coming. If I had have had a knife I might be cockless right now but I did not so I am not.

"Ummm lady, if you want a real good fuck you might want me to cuff you and blindfold you so you can feel things better. Then when you take the blindfold off you will see beautiful you." Did I mention that my underarms were flooding with perspiration? She looks at me for a long time. I suppose she saw something in my eyes that said I really wanted this. Well, I was not wanting THAT. I was wanting O U T of there.

"Very good, but remember I have the doll and pin. You can cuff my ankles and if you try anything funny, the pin goes here." She put the pin next to where the heart was. Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit! Now I was on the verge of hysterical, frantic madness but at least it was buying my cock some time. I was sure if I put it in her, it would shrivel and fall off.

Well, I cuffed her ankles as she sat on the alter and watched me. That chain was now touching the alter between her legs. SHIVER! She had that snaggle tooth grin on her face and that combination...well, do you know what bile tastes like when you try to keep from heaving? OK, you now have the picture.

Next, I put the blindfold on her and that pin was still against the heart of the doll. She barely stuck it and I felt the little shot of pain through my nipples.

"Just to make sure you understand sonny boy. Now fuck me."

I mumbled, "Sorry Big John", as I grabbed him in my hand. This had better work or I am a dead hobo. Wait! I gotta fill his balls with something or she will know it isn't me. Ouch!

My hard cock hit the corner of the table as I spun to find something to feel the balls. I heard her say, "Get started. NOW!" Shit..shit...shit

I saw the dead rabbit skin so I grabbed it and started rubbing it over her nipples located somewhere closer to her belly button. She started moaning and calling me a bad boy and telling me she loved that. Hell, I was not going to touch her if I could help it. While doing that I was stretching to try and get a TAKILLYA bottle from the table and managed to do that. I pulled the cork out with my teeth as I sloshed it on my shaking hand as I filled the squeezable balls of Big John.

Now, I might have been squeeking the words, who knows? But I remembered some of those fuck stories I had read in Hustler and was saying things like, "I am going to fuck your lights out...slap the old sausage in the grinder...hump you like a three peckered billy goat in heat." She just kept saying," yes, yes, yes. Fuck meeeee!"

I screwed the cap on the balls and moved and rubbed the tip of Big John in her cunt lips that were in fact very wet. I guess she did have an orgasm but I could swear it was yellow and not clear but at that moment I had my head turned slightly away because I did NOT want to heave up on her. Her bony ass was slapping on the alter as she tried to guide Big John into her. I said, "Wait. Let me uncuff your legs. I want to stand and fuck you."

She was screaming now to do that and I did. She instantly slid downwards so her legs could hang off the table. Oh shit! She wanted to wrap them around me. I screamed "NO! Let em hang. Then I will be tighter inside you."

Well, I did have to stand close and her wrinkly inside of her thighs were touching the outside of mine. I said another silent sorry to Big John and slid him home in one stroke. Now you must understand, I am trying to hold my own hard cock so it does not touch her because if she could see what I was doing then I am a dead man.
I pulled him out and rammed him back in and damn near let him slip out of my hand. God, he might have disappeared forever. Anyway she is muttering something about, "Thank you Goddess...thank you." Okay, she did scream something about cumming again. I guess that was good because I saw her drop the doll and pin as she began squeezing her tits. Ouch!

Well, I then started fucking her with Big John furiously. Now there are some very distinct memories I must tell you that haunt me. First, the squishy sounds of big John fucking her and secondly, the slap of her ass on the alter. Oh, and there was the yellow cum looking stuff oozing out of her. Yech!

It was time. Now, I had judged how far it was to the doll. I opted for it instead of the pin. No doll to stick no pain. Get my meaning? I had to pick one.

I squeezed Big John's balls. I knew the liquid squirting deep into her old cunt.

8:40am: Voo Doo Dick
I have no idea how long I had slept from sheer exhaustion but this was one wake up I wish I had never encountered. Coming out of my sleep, I felt groggy and disoriented. I could not recall being in a place full of candles and burning incense. Now, I have been through lots of shocks in my life and today especially, but I just was not prepared for any of this.

Besides the candle lit place the next thing I came to realize was I was laying on something very cold. Okay, that is not out of the ordinary but being completely naked WAS out of the ordinary. And what is your response to realize you are naked?

Sit up and put clothes on, right? I tried that immediately but the stark realization that you are naked and cuffed to a marble alter can really elicit a different response. Yep, you got it. I screamed. What did I scream? I have no idea because I am now trying to get my hands and legs free. I believe you can visualize my position if you can visualize the letter X.

I really have to work on this screaming thing. It alerts people to me and in this case the fact I am now fully awake.

Guess who shows up? You got it. Old Snaggletooth comes in wearing a belly dancer outfit with veils except hers kinda sagged on her bony body. Now, you say that looks funny to see someone wearing a sexy outfit that might have fit her a hundred years ago when she was young and beautiful? Hell no. For me, it was downright scary.

"Oh, good the drug has worn off."

Drug? What the hell? Don't tell me I am about to get the same thing as that poor schmuck in the Stephen King novel. I know my leg was not broken. Bruised maybe, but not broken. Now, I am scared as hell because the only thing I can think of is pagans making human sacrifices of humans and goats. Come on, I am on an alter.

"What, what are you going to do?"

"I was sent you by the Goddess for my pleasure and I am one horny woman."

"Noooooooo, I am a vir..." I immediately shut up. Virgins are a popular sacrifice and I was not a virgin. The old hag turned and her eyes lit up as she leaned over me and looked into my eyes. God, one of her drooping tits was touching my arm.

"Well, then that makes my rituals even better. A virgin? Thank you Goddess."

I believe my bottom lip was quivering. Yeah, it was because I was trying not to bawl like a baby. I was scared. Do you understand? I was gut busting scared. Now, my mind was really racing as the old woman reached down with a vial and caught the tears seeping from the corners of my eyes. She cackled with laughter and said in a low voice, "Don't worry it won't hurt much to lose your virginity."

Next she brought over Big John and set him on a table close to the alter. My god, she had painted some kind of signs on his shaft. It kind of looked like stick figures in all kinds of fuck positions. I groaned.

No, I wasn't groaning because of what she did to Big John!

I was groaning because this old woman was running her hands over my body! I did not know whether to scream or throw up. The next thing that happened was a prolonged, violent shiver. She made no bones about the fact she wanted my bone. Her long, gross fingernails were scraping the inside of my thighs and she was not headed toward my feet. It burned like hell.

I admit that when her bony hands grabbed my balls I tried to twist away. THAT was a bad move because she slapped my balls hard. It was like an electrical shock and took my breath away. I was determined not to yell out. Hell, she should have been collecting tears after that blow! They were flowing like a river out of the corner of my eyes. She laughed and then grabbed my cock and sucked the head in her mouth. Every man dreams of blow jobs from time to time but there is just something about a snaggletooth sliding over the head of your cock that makes a man have a decidedly different reaction. Yep, my cock tried to shrink back into my stomach. Thank goodness she only did this once. Next she tried stroking me to hardness. A calloused, bony hand certainly was not eliciting any more of a response than a snaggletooth!

I could tell she was disgusted because she just kind of flung my limp cock out of her hand and muttered something as she walked away to what appeared to be another wall alter. She started pulling vials off it and set them on the table with Big John. I wish she wold face away from me because her flat, hanging tits were not something I wanted to see. Anyway she started mixing some stuff in a bowl she sat down on the table.

"Well, virgin, the Goddess wants me to do it this way it seems."

She tossed what looked like sand into the bowl. A puff of smoke went into her face. When it cleared I thought I saw her smiling as she muttered some words I have never heard. Next she went to another part of the room I could not see but soon returned with a doll, a male doll.

She then proceeded to hold the cock and squeeze it. Crap! I could feel the squeezes in mine. I could have done without the pin she pushed through the cock. Holy Mother of Buddha! I have never felt a pain like that in my life. I was shaking and screaming from the pain in my cock. The woman laughed and immediately pulled the pin out.

"Good, I just wanted to make sure that lovely dick was in fact full of life. You just proved it."

8:21am: What is Near Death?
Oh, you though I was talking about the drowning in a pool as the near death experience? Well, that was bad but not as bad as the near death experience.

When the lights went out in that water, which I later learned was a swimming pool, I was not thinking of anything. Well, of course not! It knocked me out. Now that I am alive, recovering, and still locking my door at night, I do remember that it was painful. That part I remember that and the entire terrifying ride down that mountain. I am seriously thinking of trading my bike in for a little fold up scooter.

The first thing I remember was throwing up. Water coming out of my mouth and I think maybe a chunk of hot dog or two. My eyes flickered open and to say I screamed again is the flat out truth. Looking down at me was a very old face. It was female only because her lips had smeared lipstick spread over her mouth. Now, I am not to say I was not grateful for the CPR, but knowing a prune older than dirt...never mind. I barfed again.

The older lady was stroking my hair and when she saw I was recovering, smiled. Oh lord help me but there is just something about an old lady's smile that contains only two front teeth. I really don't know if the shiver was from being brought back to life by a snaggle tooted prune or that is what happens when people have near death experiences.

She laughed and started wiping me down with a towel. She propped my head in her lap. Now I have seen some bony legs in my life but I swear this old girl only had stretched skin over her leg bones. I could have lived with that except she was wearing one of those old fashioned swim caps with plastic flowers on it and they matched her one piece swim suit. I was not prepared for a pink cap and suit with white flowers. You know what I mean? That was just not right.

Anyway, she is drying my face, grinning that snaggle tooth smile, laughing hysterically as she is wiping lipstick off my lips. She had this wild eyed look in her eyes. I was still slightly groggy and all this did not bother me until she said, "Oh, thank you goddess. You answered my prayers and tossed him to me out of the sky for my use. I knew that sacrifice would answer my prayers."

Remember I told you my day for the last few minutes had been coming in nanoseconds? Here are the words that registered in my still addled brain - goddess, tossed to me, my use, sacrifice. Think about that for me will you? Every time I do, I shiver all over my body. For some reason the last day I have had this compulsion to wipe my lips over and over.

Suddenly bony hands grasped my hair and before I could react this old woman had put a lip lock on me and stuck her tongue down my throat. Yep, you got it. I barfed more water. She laughed and getting up laid my head on the patio floor and walked into the house. I lay there trying to get my wits about me and really trying not to think about the fact I just got a throat fuck from a snaggled tooth old lady. If, and I say if, I had been smart I would have either fallen back into the pool and drowned or crawled out of that place. Instead I fell asleep from sheer exhaustion that one gets after hyper loads of adrenalin leave your system and believe you me, I had more than my share of adrenalin the last few minutes.

1:17pm: A Man Has Got His Limits (continued)
Somehow, and do not ask me how, I went between two pine trees and only flew about a million feet before the back wheel hit the ground. Did you know that you can bust a nut on a bicycle seat? I did not do that but my poor balls were taking a huge beating!

Now this part of the mountain has what appears to be a gravel road. But it wasn't that at all. It was a dry creek bed that I landed in or a run off when it rains. Now, I am still flying down the mountain but not quite as fast. There are likes now that have front and rear shocks but I don't own one. Here I am flying down this creek thingie and bouncing like hell while trying to hold on and look up to see fast approaching boulders in the run off. Crap! Just when I thought I was going to survive. I did spy a little incline going out of this gravel bed and aimed for it.

Was that a mistake? Hell, my whole day has been a mistake up until this point. I am bleeding; my balls hurt; my clothes are torn; I have flown unwillingly off the side of a mountain; have a slim chance of not hitting some big boulders fast approaching me and you want to know if my one chance is a mistake. Give me a fucking break!

I turned the bike up the little incline and thank God the bike went up it. I was saved death. Wrong! It probably would have hurt less to die.

In this part of the world people spend time going into the hillsides and picking wild blackberries. Now, I used to like blackberries. Not after today.

I looked back over my shoulder for a brief moment and then turned back to see where this crazy ride was taking me. Yeah, you guessed it. I should have laid the bike down because what happened next did to my clothes what the blacktop road would have done. I hit that blackberry patch going I know a million miles an hour. Later someone told me I was lucky that I only went through the outside edge and not through the middle. Now, you tell me, how is that lucky? Huh?

Of course I was screaming. Blackberry bushes do have thorns you know. I believe that bush is without a few thousand thorns at the moment. No sooner than I flew through the bushes than I come upon a brick wall about three feet high!

It happened so fast. The next thing I knew was the front tire hit the wall. No, you are not going to hold onto a bike doing thirty miles an hour that suddenly stops. I mean stops as in going exactly nowhere in a forward motion. I went over the handlebars in a tumble except there was no ground there. The wall was about three feet high where the bike hit it but it was a long way down on the other side as I flew through the air. As I tumbled over, I was stretched out and face down and that is the way I fell.

It was beautiful light blue. I thought I was in the air falling a million miles through the air. It was not air.

It was water.

As kids we used to do what we called suicide dives like that into the lake but we were only a foot or so above the water. I did not know at the time the following:

1. It was water.
2. I was falling from a lot higher up.
3. I was moving very fast.

What I learned was this in about one nanosecond. My life seemed today to be full of nanoseconds.

1. I learned that water can be hard.
2. I learned that water can hurt.
3. I learned that I cannot breathe under water.

There must have been a zillion gallons of water I swallowed as I bounced once and sunk face down. I was in this special place I could never hope to be able to describe. I had heard of near death experiences but you have to understand this - I was hurting all over. It was then I passed out.

11:28am: A Man Has Got His Limits
I knew it! Before I could peddle the bike back to the shop, the toe lady had already called. The boss was a little agitated.

"For Christ sake Sexual why couldn't you suck the woman's damn toes?"

That was how he greeted me when I came in the store. Now it just so happened the store was full because he was having a sale on CD's and butt plugs. He had put a big sign out front that had read, "Plug It In Sale." Now the boss is a loud talker and everyone heard him. The place got as quiet as a morgue. I was plenty embarrassed and it also made me mad! Now I don't get mad very often but this time it really got to me for some reason. As they say in the South, "mad just flew all over me". I shouted back.

"Because I didn't want Athlete's Tongue!"

The boss was shocked at me hollering back because I am usually pretty quiet and do not try to cause problems and try to stay in the background. Several women started giggling and the guy at the counter busted out laughing. I knew I was about to be fired because the boss had this stern look and surprised look on his face. He has a pretty short temper too. I could see the beads of sweat on his fat lip and suddenly wished I had not said anything but darn it he embarrassed me!

Suddenly, he just busted out laughing and he and the guy at the counter started laughing so hard that they had tears coming down their faces. The more they looked at me, the more they laughed.

I don't know which is worse - being hollered at in public or laughed at in public. Both made me mad. I could see my next two deliveries were on the counter so I grabbed the bags and stormed out the door.

The guy at the counter hollered after me, "Hey buddy don't take any wooden toes while you are out. That would really suck to get tongue splinters." Everyone was laughing as the door closed behind me.

After today, I think I may change my business plans and join a convent as a janitor or something. At least those ladies would not make fun of me but then they would probably make me leave Big John at the front door. Today was somewhat of a low point in my relationship with the boss. Okay, I know people are not all beautiful and I know my boss is a loudmouth, fat, sweaty, obnoxious pig at times (that felt good to verbalize that!)but I don't make fun of him. Today he pushed my limits.

But, the boss helped crystalize my women rules. I threw all of them out the door of my mind and settled on one. Women - you cannot live without them and you cannot live with them. That should cover all the bases.

Now I learned a new rule today. Never ride your bike mad because it means you are not paying attention and can get into a lot of trouble.

Today was my trouble. The next delivery was down Dead Man's Hill. I never knew why it was called that. I had been down its S curves and steep drop many times but had never seen a cemetary. Well, I am thinking about what just happened as I start down the hill. The hill at first gradually goes into an incline for the first quarter mile and so I was coasting and thinking about what had just happened. I had forgotten about the dog that lived in the house before you hit the sharp, winding incline. Sure enough, out he comes barking and trying to bite my red Converse. I take my foot off the peddle and try to kick him away. Of course I was not braking because I was trying to fight off this killer dog. Okay, it was a poodle.

As always, he quickly did his thing and went back to his yard. Have you ever had a sudden premonition that something was about to go wrong? Believe me, you never want that. I just had one and looked up to see the ninety degree curve and I was going much too fast!

Now my bike has the old time brakes where you use the peddles. Every kid knows about them and so without thinking I did the peddle thing to stop the bike. Now let me define sheer terror for you. You are doing about twenty-five miles an hour on a blacktop two lane road. On the right side of that road is sheer rock where the road was cut from it. On the left is a drop of a gazillion feet and all you can see are the tops of the trees. That is not terror.

Terror is the peddles not locking in the brake position and your slowing down. Terror is that back foot continuing to travel! That is terror!

The chain someone had jumped off the sprockets when I was trying to keep that nipping poodle away from me. Life usually gives you choices. Mine were clear and none of them appeared to end up without me not getting seriously mangled or killed.

Choice One - Run into a stone mountain to stop myself at a growing speed. Now, I am no physics major but I do remember that comment about immovable objects and sudden stops does not mean a body stops too. Besides I did not have air bags nor seat belts so the choice was kissing the wall - HARD.

Choice Two - Go off the side of the road into the trees. Well, I am no aeronautical engineer but it was quite clear to me that I could not fly and I certainly could not land in a tree like a bird. Besides, I had no idea how far down it was. I hate splinters anyway.

This took about two nanoseconds to rule those choices out. I had negotiated the first turn and was picking up even more speed!

Choice Three - Lay the bike down. I don't have a lot of clothes and I knew that hitting that blacktop road would shred them. Even more importantly, I did not have any spare skin and knew the only way to get new skin was to grow it. Did I mention I have a great aversion to pain?

Choice Four - Try to ride Dead Man's Hill.

It is not funny! I swear the old gods of old times are laughing their asses off about now. We don't hear about them anymore because they all sit up there drinking mead, fighting, fucking and watching us pitiful humans and laughing their guts out.

Don't ask me why I did it, but I spun my NYYankees baseball cap so the bill was behind me. That is a prized possession for me. My daddy went down to Florida one year to watch all the teams in big league spring training and had brought it back for me. I was not necessarily a big baseball fan but the fact he gave it to me makes it a prized possession. If I was going to die, by God, it would be wearing his present to me.

I believe choices are like rules. No one choice or rule is dominant over the others. They all get jumbled up into a heap kind of like worms you put in a can to go fishing with. I can tell you at the moment though I was NOT thinking about all this.

Okay, I was screaming. That is exactly what I was doing while holding on to the bike as tight as I could. Did I mention that I was picking up speed? The road is now at about a twelve to fourteen percent incline and I have no damn brakes. What did you expect me to be doing? Slowing down?

I knew there were three big curves on the road. The choices are now coming into play as I approach the first big, sharp curve. I never knew that a human being can almost lay a bike down on its side and keep going around a curve. I mean I see motorcycle guys do it in races but they have a choice and know how.

That was the first little loss of clothes as my knee scrubbed over the black top. How I managed to make the bike get more upright I will never know. I am glad I did not look at my clothes. I have now gone from screaming to hollering. What was I hollering? What do you think? F U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U U C K! That is what I was hollering. The speed was picking up and the next turn was almost eighty-five degrees. Did I mention I was picking up speed? I know I must have been doing a hundred miles an hour because the wind was so hard it popped the one button on my suit jacket that I had buttoned and the tails of the coat were cracking like whips in the wind. I thought my face was going to get blown off and Big John's base was now being pushed into my balls. There we were balls to balls. I was about to find out what it meant to be balls to the wall.

Just before I hit the mountain wall I tried the lay the bike thing over again. I thought I was going to make it but no suck luck. The front tire hit the wall a glancing blow and popped me back onto the road. However, I did stop hollering. I could not breathe as I flew down the mountain again. You see, that little hit caused my inside foot so slide off the peddle. Boy's bikes have this rail unlike a girl's bike. Why I don't know but I will tell you the next bike I own will be a girl's.

I never knew that a man's balls could be flattened. Until now. That bar does not move. All I could think of at that precise moment was nothing. Yes, nothing. I mean my balls have just been flattened on this bar as I try to get my foot back on the peddle. If you think that I was thinking at that moment you are absolutely wrong. PAIN has a tendency to make you NOT think, okay? Did I cry? No, I did not cry but I can tell you that tears were whipping by my ears as I tried to catch my breath. I never knew that your balls being flattened would knock the breath out of you. Trust me, it does and it will.

Now I am crying. Oh, did I tell you that tears and pain can blind you? Well, it can and it did. Now I am going a gazillion miles an hour. I am fighting for breath. You see I discovered that breathing can sometimes ease the pain. Guess what my first words were after that? S H I I I I I I T!!

Yep, and I knew that was probably going to be the last words I said on earth as my bike left the road.

Remember, I mentioned that I could NOT fly? That may not be entirely correct. I suppose being in mid-air with feet firmly implanted on pedals and a death grip on handlebars could be a form of flying.

7:51am: All Rules for Women Are Off!
Okay, that is it! No more rules about women. I have come to the unabashed conclusion that God either has a very sick sense of humor or is a woman! Sheesh! I know God made me so I could write my name in the snow when peeing and a woman can do that, but, BIG DEAL! The woman got three things we men did not get. What are they you ask?

1. Multiple orgasms. Now how fair is that? Enough said.
2. The right to change their minds. Really how fair is that since we are NEVER allowed to change ours and if we do we are called names like stupid or bastard or inconsiderate.
3. A gene pool with a BIG tease the guys gene. We got left out of the gene pool on that one. But, if guys try to tease they are being perverts or women think we are being assholes or stupid and they laugh at us. Men never laugh when we are being teased but that is because we have to worry about rusted zippers and blue balls. Hence the next one.
4. Alien thought processes. Yep, that is what I said. I mean come on, I have never figured them out and if I do then I am writing a book that will make me a zillionaire and I can open two bordellos!

It is the third one that I want to talk about. I have recovered nicely and yesterday made a delivery to a new place. Remember, I said that a rule is never to look/stare at a woman's boobs. Well, this lady had a VERY NICE rack on her. Why do they always have to be so scantily dressed when I make deliveries? I can never figure that one out.

Anyway, back to my point. When she answered the door, I handed her the delivery. The Sex Shop has taken to stapling the brown paper bags to ensure privacy. Now this lady was wearing a black thong, no bra and one of those lacy black see through gowns that barely covered her butt and of course it was unbuttoned. RANT! I reverted to the rule and stared at her feet.

She opened the bag and giggled with happiness. I was NOT going to look up because her headlights were on, if you know what I mean. If you don't then it means her nipples were hard. I just kept staring down. She told me to come in. Now, I try to avoid that because I don't want any troubles. Remember, alien thought processes? I cannot afford to have some woman accusing me of molesting her when I do not do those kinds of things. The Southern gentleman thing is so misinterpreted and when you try to avoid those tease gene moments because you have deliveries to make, well the alien thought processes take over. Is this clear as mud yet?

The lady goes back into the house and brings me the money. I take it from her and when I try to leave she holds on to my hand. I could see some kind of situation about to develop and the owner has told me to hurry back because I have to set the room up again for the Sex Toy Education classes.

She said to me in a sultry voice, "I like my toes sucked."

Now, I admit I was looking into her eyes when she said that and without thinking I immediately looked down at her feet. I was speechless and wanted to get my thoughts together because her tease gene pool was suddenly over my head. It was then I saw what she bought. She had on very clear special shoes.

Now things could have ended real quick but I am not one to be quick on my feet when it comes to responding to things that surprise me. God gave me this blush gene and right now I could feel my cheeks burning.

"You may suck my toes cutie pie. I noticed you kept staring at my feet. But first, you must massage and oil them. I have multiple orgasms when men do that. I was going to have my sub do that but have changed my mind and want you to since you are dying to do that. I could see it in your face as you stared at my feet."

See? I told you. All the things God gave women are in play here and all I was trying to do was just follow one of my rules about staring and now this multiple orgasmic,mind changing,teasing, alien though processing woman wants me to suck her frigging toes.

Yech!

I mumbled.

"I have to get back to work. Thank you for the offer but perhaps you should have your sub do that since I am a virgin toe sucker."

Well, she called me a pervert;did not give me a tip; and pushed me out of the house by bumping her boobs against me.

See, now because I am simply doing my job I will have to take time to explain this to the boss in case he gets a call from the woman. Grrrrr!

8:01am: More Women Thoughts
I never knew my Mama. She died when I was born. Now there was my sister, but she was older and more interested in her social life as a Southern Belle. Now we had a housekeeper, Katie Lou, a wonderful black lady who worked for daddy keeping the Southern mansion clean and seeing that we were all fed. She had her daughter helping too. Those two raised me I suppose but the ladies at Daddy's bordello were with me most of the time.

Today's lady folks are scary. They seem to have more testosterone than they used to. Now, when you are raised in the Old South and taught to be a gentleman, those kinds of aggressive Alpha females are a little much to get used to for me anyway. Seems the ladies in the bordello were not that way but then I was always being spoiled by them. Katie Lou felt sorry for me because of my Mama and everything but she was a tough disciplinarian in comparison but I do remember coming home from school and her having sugar cookies and milk for me as surprises. So as you can see, I had a little bit of a confusing background with women. Now in high school I was friends with everybody but I never dated except for those important events like sports banquets and proms and such. I was just enjoying too many other things.

Now women have taught me a lot. I admit that. Katie Lou taught me to cook and sew and I can tell you that was the most important thing any woman ever taught me. It seems whenever I learn something from a woman it comes in the strangest of circumstances. Why I was playing one evening a rousing game of Kick the Can with the town kids and as always I was more interested in getting back to base safe than chasing after the girls. Well, I am hiding in a garage when this girl, redhead at that, comes and hides there too. It was in a garage, at night, with a redhead, playing kick the can that I was French kissed for the first time! Now, wouldn't you say that was strange circumstances for learning?

The delivery job is tough compared to running the bordello. Mostly I just did the office work and met with the men coming in and having a drink in the little bar set up for the paying customers. Of course I made sure the maids cleaned the place up real good and managed the 401K plans for the girls and helped them out whenever they had a problem or needed a little help. Now, I am sure they were Alpha females because bordello business can be a tough business but I never saw them being Alpha. At least not like the women today, who have not one whit of shyness. If they want a cock, they grab it. If they can't grab it they just tell you they want to fuck your lights out or give you a blow job or tell you what they want you to do to them. I suppose that is all good but I am not very practiced at sex since I have only done it once in my life.

Part of that is my remembering all those prophylactics I bought from the Japanese salesmen and them being defective. All my girls getting pregnant and it costing me my business because I did not have anyone to take care of the customers. I suppose I am a little afraid of getting some lady pregnant and with my luck if I had a son she would be one of those Alpha females and name him something like Balls or CumDrop or something. I mean being called Sexual is tough enough if you are in a group of Alpha females.

I really don't understand why women are attracted to me but they hit on me a lot. I just try to maintain. So, I suppose another woman rule for me is:

Keep your eyes on your life goal and not their ass or boobs.

But I sure hope I know IT when it does happen with a lady.

9:18am: Women Rules
I am much better today and started making deliveries again. The weather was really hot so I decided to wear my madras shorts, red suspenders, football jersey with the number 69 and of course my red Converse hightops but opted to leave the green glow socks off today.

The shorts also are my swim trunks and I thought I might go back down to the hobo jungle and swim in the river with them since Big George, the catfish, was caught by me last year. That is a different but painful story I might share sometime. As it turns out I had lots of deliveries anyway. Hump Day usually brings on lots of buyers. I always thought Hump Day was really about getting over the hump during the work week but in this town it takes on other meanings.

People can be so stupid. I don't know why they kept honking their horns today. I was on the side of the streets and not in the flow of traffic. The boss got me a backpack to carry my deliveries in. It is a blue one with yellow letters and pink reflective tape. It has a slogan on it that says Hump to Happiness...and then the Sex shop address on it. I really don't know if I like the pink reflective tape on it though.

Now back to the women rules. I suppose that these are also some business rules of mine too but they sure seem to apply.

Anyway, I got to my first customer. Her name was Twyla. Now that is a good, old-fashion Southern name. I had a distant cousin named Twyla. She was one of four sisters who managed to stay a virgin until she graduated high school and where she was from that meant she could outrun the boys. Did I mention she got a track scholarship to college? I often wonder if anyone ever ran her down.

This Twyla was not like my cousin. But, she had on the shortest shorts I have ever seen. I mean her butt hung out of them like no body's business and she had a nice butt too. But I only saw it when she turned to get the money for her purchase. Maybe this isn't a rule but what is it about women at home and delivery guys? Did I mention she had a shirt on and it was unbuttoned? Her hair was kinda messed up too. The lady had ordered a penis pump. Why would she need a penis pump I did not know. The rule is a delivery guy should wait outside for his money because you never know what is going on inside. As she took the purchase inside and to get my money I heard her say, "Baby we are going to grow that thing from 9 to 12." I didn't think much about it since she was obviously married. Taking my money I decided, I thanked her and walked back to my bike. I put the purchase money in the back pack and stood outside a moment to put my tip in my prophylactic. She had given me three bucks! The day was starting out right.

I decided to take a short cut through the alley by her house. I had my head down and pumping the bike because there was a slight incline up from the street. I did not see the mailman's little mail cart until too late. Of course I hollered when I went flying over the hood and it made a lot of noise. I heard the mail man yelling at me from the side door. My word! He was standing there in his shoes and socks and mail man shirt on. He was kinda exposed. He had the new penis pump on and good old Twyla was pumping away on the little bulb while he was cursing me. I mumbled my apology and got back on my bike. I looked back over my shoulder and that woman was still pumping as they went back in and slammed the door. I now realized that she was eager to please herself. That is the rule I think women have.

Delivery guys can deliver.

The next stop was at a nice little condo complex. The boss had made a big thing about putting the purchase in the sack and the backpack instead of me filling it. I don't question the boss since he does that from time to time. Most customers take things out and inspect them anyway.

A nice lady answered the door and when I handed her the plastic bag she called out, "Martha it is here! Get nekkid honey. It is time to hook up." Uh oh. I think maybe these ladies might be lesbians when she said that. I certainly did not know any men named Martha.

Another rule: Try to avoid assisting customers with the items you deliver.

Did I mention that this nice lady was in her late sixties? She came back with the money and asked so politely, "Can you assist us a moment with our purchase? Please?" Sometimes I curse my daddy for insisting on always being a Southern gentleman. I said yes before I thought about the rule.

As I stepped into the house, the lady was taking off her clothes. I don't mean to be ugly when I tell you this but everything on that poor lady sagged! I tried not to stare. I felt like a kid who just walked in on his naked grandmother in the bathroom. But let me tell you, that was not as big a shock as what I saw next. Martha was about the same age and naked to. When I walked in she was lying on the living room carpet. She managed to slide her breasts back up on her chest.

I think people as they get older sometimes do not get to have the sex life they need and want but these two were not letting a good time slip by it seems. Well, the other lady was tearing out of her clothes and was soon on her back with her head in the opposite direction. Their knees were bent and sorry, just had a huge shiver. I mean shaved pootie-poos of sixty year old women just do that to me.

"Go on sonny boy. Get it out."

"What? Ma'am I can't do that! I have work to do." Talk about a cock going south. Mine did. I mean, really, I was NOT turned on.

"No, silly boy. The purchase!"

Well, I blushed and then saw that she was holding the bag up to me and saying, "Be sure and slick it up with the KY."

I pulled out a big bottle of KY lotion and then saw the purchase! Damn! It was the new three foot long double headed dildo we just got in the store. This was the first sell. Shaking I managed to wet the thing down. Crap that thing was not only long but wide.

"Me first."

The lady at the door had opened her thighs up wide. I got on one knee and trying not to look at her pootie-poo moved the dildo forward.

"Not my ass dumb shit!"

I opened one eye and looked. Oops! I had missed the mark! Putting the tip on her opening she said in a husky voice, "Push it in big boy." Well, I pushed and pushed and I swear over a foot went in there. I wonder if pootie-poos really get looser with age. Anyway, she nodded through her moans to stop. Martha was now saying, "C'mon I need mine. Now!"

I did not close my eyes this time and aimed home. Soon this three foot dildo only had less than a foot exposed. I just knelt there dumbfounded, holding a slick double headed dildo as the two ladies began humping their hips and moaning. There it goes again - another big shiver.

I let go of the dildo and wiped my hand on my jersey because it was wet from Ky. When I got up to leave, another shiver. Martha was pulling on her nipples and groaning. There is nothing wrong with that except when she tugged her breasts were a foot out from her chest. I don't know how to describe what they looked like but..shiver..I had to get out of there.

"Tip is on the table. If you will stay and help we will double it."

"No thank you ma'am. Sorry. I have another delivery."

I did not have another delivery at the moment. All I wanted to do was get the hell out of there. They were nice and had laid five dollars out for me. I quickly left and as I closed the door heard, "Damn it Martha. Hump. You greedy bitch you are getting more of it than I am!"

Shiver.

I suppose a rule about women is - They are never too old to want sexual satisfaction.

10:04am: Matters of the Heart
Today I am better. The headaches have disappeared but the doctor told me to rest through the weekend before returning to work. Becky took me to see the doctor. I must admit that this ride on the motorcycle was less unnerving for me although I caused a bit of a stir when we stopped at the traffic light.

You see, I had decided to place Big John in the crotch of my pants. The tip was, well kind of exposed. As Becky slowed down for the red light this little old lady in the car moving alongside of us kept staring at us. I thought maybe she was surprised to see the lady driving the bike instead of me. She was very animated as she turned and talked to her husband. In fact, she was pointing at us and the little old man leaned over her and looked out her window. I just kind of stared at them but just before we drove off I heard her hollering at him although somewhat muffled it sounded like, "told you to get damn Viagra. Look I want a good fuck you old sum'bitch". I saw her beating on his arm as we sped off.

Becky must really love to tease men because today she was wearing a very sheet tank top and I did note a few men and women swerve that were approaching us in cars but Becky seemed oblivious to all this. My gut tells me she is not and loves a little exhibitionism.

But, this does not have anything to do with my somber thoughts today. I realized when Becky dropped me off that I was lonely. Yes, I have all my friends and they tell me they love me and love having me around. I love being with them but you know I don't love them. Does that make sense? Guess I am needing IT. You know the IT love. I have just been so busy trying to survive, save money for my bordello, and working that I never took the time to think about things like this before. I decided to write down about my "serious" women encounters in my life and logically try to figure out what went wrong so if I do find IT I won't make any mistakes or at least the same ones. Sure am thankful I had the brown paper grocery bag to rip open and use to put my notes down. I went in and ask the owner for one of those pens he sells. You know the kind that you turn down to start writing and the man or woman's clothes begin to disappear. He gave me one that was not working well. It was a guy and his clothes had disappeared and would not come back on. I would certainly not get one of a guy but you have to take what life gives you so I sit here writing and thinking with cock in hand, so to speak.

I distinctly remember my first encounter with a girl (besides the ones who worked for daddy in the bordello). A friend of mine during second grade recess convinced me we should hid beside the corner of the school building and when girls came along jump out and kiss them. I knew how to kiss because the ladies in the bordello were always smooching on me. This sounded like fun because I knew I would not have to scrub my face real hard since second graders do not wear lipstick like the bordello ladies. I always had to scrub hard to get them off my face!

I believe this was probably a bad idea because what happened seems to have established a pattern in my life. Well, the girls got close and we jumped out and kissed them. The girl my friend kissed giggled. The one I grabbed and kissed did not giggle but all three of them ended up laughing - at me. When I kissed her, the girl doubled up and hit me in the eye with her fist. Now, in her defense, I can say it was just a surprised reaction. But, when she hit me I fell backwards. At this corner of the school building was a huge mudhole and it was full of water because we had had one of those Southern thunderstorms the night before. I was soaked and muddy and embarrassed. Thank goodness it was last recess and I only had to sit in wet clothes for an hour. Miss Kelly, my second grade teacher, helped me clean up when I got back in the room from recess. The kids were all making fun of me by oinking like a pig, laughing and teasing me because I had been knocked silly by a girl. That too seems to have become a life pattern for me but without the oinking.

What was even sadder was I lied to my Daddy. I told him that I had this shiner around my eye and I was muddy because I had gotten into a fight. I failed to mention that there were only two hits in the fight. The first one on my eye and the second was me hitting that mud puddle. The girl laughed about it when we were in high school. I am still trying to find the humor.

So I wrote a rule for women on the paper because I decided that was the best way to find and keep IT.

#1 Never surprise girls with a kiss. Surprise kissed cause black eyes or other facial damages. Always ask permission.

8:14am: Concussion
Well, I must tell you that conk on the head was not good. Somehow or another I ended back up in my place. The owner has been good to me and told me he heard about my party experiences and he was sorry but he had missed that party. Phew! I am glad too because he is a little, well, a lot on the chubby side. OK, he is a sweaty fat guy. I don't mean that ugly because everyone has someone that likes them just the way they are.

Melissa and Becky came by this morning to check on me. Michelle told me they took me to the emergency room and the doctor's told me I had a concussion but with rest I would be okay in a few days. I was worried because I did not have insurance but Melissa told me their swinging group had insurance just for those kind of things. I was relieved because I was now starting to fill my second prophylactic with money. I buried the other one in a coffee can by the tree. So, I was relieved. They even brought me a meal over. I was very hungry and let me tell you a cooked full meal is a treasure!

Becky said to me, "I am sorry Sexual if Michelle and I had known you were hurt we would not have done what we did." They winked at each other.

What they did? What did they do for heaven's sake? I was passed out. I believe my feelings could have been expressed as "Sheer Terror" at that point. My face must have shown that because they both started laughing really hard. Melissa reached into her bag and said,

"We borrowed Big John for the evening."

She handed him back to me with one of those little thank you cards tied with a blue ribbon around the shaft. One should not have a gamut of emotions when one has a concussion but the feeling was one now of utter relief. I had not in my headache throes missed him.

"Thank you."

Now, I must have been somewhat liked because Michelle said the group would like for me to come back for the next party and said if I could not come to the party please let Big John come by himself. Well, I was not going to let that happen! This was the closest I had ever come to losing my future and I knew I needed someway to attach him to me in case something like this happened again. I thought briefly about getting one of those wallet chains to attach but quit thinking about it because I was getting another headache.

Remember the BBW and skinny guy? Well, they came by to see me to. Seems her name is Angel and his is Scooter. They hit it off like two peas in a pod and they guy kept calling himself Angel's Scooter. I had to chuckle because I could envision her riding him. He was a skinny scooter that is for sure. However, anyone could see they had fallen madly in love. She sat in his lap the whole time and if she moved just right all I could see was his bony arms holding her and his bony legs sticking out from beneath her. They kept touching each other and finally she said,

"Scooter. You bad boy what is that I feel?"

They left immediately afterwards.

That evening Railyard Rosie showed up. She was concerned and had just now heard about my being seen carried into the emergency room. I then had to explain to her what happened. Now RR is a caring person but she would not have had a good bedside manner as a doctor. Once she realized I was okay she began to lecture me about swinging parties and how I could not only get hurt but maybe even pick up a disease if I was not careful.

"How do you know all this RR?'

She blushed and stammered and then said she had read about them in one of the books I had left for the hobos down at the jungle. I remained quiet and then thanked her because my head could not have taken one of her slaps like she always does when I am slow to understand what it is she is saying. She then began to fuss like an old hen and started straightening my place up. Well, that can give anyone a headache but I just closed my eyes and listened to her rambling and fussing over how I arranged things. I knew I would have to put everything back in place once she left.

"What the hell is this?"

I should have kept my eyes closed but I didn't. RR was standing there with Big John in her hand with the thank you note attached.

"What in blazes did you do at that party you did not tell me about?"

I should not have laughed but do you know how funny it is to be lectured by a woman shaking a dildo at you like it was a ruler or something? I laughed because my teachers used to shake their rulers at me and I could see old spinster Finch, my math teacher, holding Big John and doing that!

I tried to explain that I did not do anything with Big John at the party but when I fell and they took me to the hospital, I had left Big John.

"Yeah right. Have you read the note?'

"There is a note? I just thought it was a card that said Thank You."

"Yes there is a note you addled brain hobo."

Railyard Rosie opened it and read it out loud. I had laid my head back on the cot because it was hurting.

Dear Sexual,
Thank you for cumming to our party.
Sorry about your accident.
Big John was the life of the party
in your absence.
The Ladies of Swinger Club 69

I took one of my pills. What had they done with Big John? I was too tired to really inspect him close. The last thing I remember was RR covering me in my blankets and laying Big John on the pillow next to me. She said something about poor Sexual the Naive or nativity or something like that.

8:35am: Never Say Never
Jesus, Mary and Robert or what ever they say. This hand on the shoulder thing is driving me nutso. Remember the lady with the shaved pootie-poo who met us at the door? Well, it was Michael's wife. Being the astute observer that I am and right now my observing skills were on overload, I remembered the black painted nails with the red roses on them and right now those fingertips were over my shoulder. I took a long swig of water and turned around trying my best NOT to look at that shaved area.

I did notice that she had been scratched on her boobs and had little pink stripes down them and her nipples were hard.

"I must apologize to you. I did not introduce myself."

"Oh, ummm, well that is okay."

"No, it is not. A good hostess would do that. My name is Michelle. Michael is my husband. They call us the cream filled M&M's." Her laugh was like tinkling bells and I could tell she liked the nickname. I just blushed and took another sip of water. Having a naked woman standing to me talking and her hand on my shoulder was a little bit heated for me. I mean, these people stood around talking as if they were in a crowded mall and had clothes on!

"Are you finding everything okay?"

Now I am not a very wordy person so I just said yes to her question.

"How did you like the dungeon?"

"Dungeon?"

Before I could say anything she grabbed my hand and started leading me to a door on the other side of the bathroom. I admit I was kind of stumbling a little because I really was not excited about a dungeon but I was trying to be a good guest. She opened the door and led me down a short flight of about five steps to another door. I must tell you that I was amazed that there was even another basement in a basement floor.

When she opened the door, I saw the room was dimly lit. Thank goodness she had to stand still and let her eyes adjust to the darker room. I wished mine had not. Right inside the door was a cage hanging eye level from the ceiling and inside was this naked fellow. Michelle nonchalantly reached inside and grabbed his cock and stroked it a couple of times. Well, this guy just kind of maned but did not try and get away. It was then I noticed he had this spiked leather band holding his balls together. Michelle spoke nonchalantly.

"He is one of Becky's slaves and is being punished while she gets some good fucking. He is free game for anyone to touch and play with and if he cums then he has to lick it up. You want to play a minute?"

I must tell you that made me adjust my baseball cap two or three times. I could only not that I did not. She laughed and walked away and stopped. Michelle began showing me the dungeon. Dang! My mouth was getting dry again. THis woman was talking about it as if everything in here was normal.

"Now here is our wheel. Have you ever seen one?"

I could say I never had but I certainly could say I had never seen someone cuffed to one either. This woman was being turned slowly as this guy was flogging her and when he had her upside down did her pootie-poo with this little suede flogger. The woman was bucking,crying and moaning. Hell, I would have been shrieking. He motioned us over and handed me a silver vibrator he had against the woman's pootie-poo and said, "Hold this here." My palms got very sweaty and I held the thing there but I was not looking. Michele was helping this guy put on nipple clips but they were no ordinary ones. They were attached to some kind of electrical thing and as soon as they were attached they spun her upright. I now stood there holding this vibrator. Michelle grabbed my hand and guided it back down there and smiled.

"Now Sexual be a good boy and keep it there."

The woman then was turned sideways and by now the guy was rubbing his cock on her lips. I almost fell down trying to keep the vibrator in place but I was not looking because Michelle started this little machine thing and the woman groaned. I suppose it was a groan but at the moment she had a mouthful. Michelle explained electrical currents were being sent into her nipples. I was speechless.

Then this woman started bucking her hips. I had to hold the vibrator with both hands to keep it in place. Michelle was playing with her pootie-poo as she watched. The man and woman both started groaning and it was then I saw a triple orgasm. Michelle, the man and the woman. I suppose that is what they mean by multiple orgasms. The vibrator was slick let me tell you but I held on. I began looking at my Converse high tops and noticed how the shoelaces really glowed in this light. I was startled back to reality when the guy took the vibrator from my hand and mumbled a thanks. Michelle immediately replaced it with her hand.

She then showed me men and women in stocks as they were either spanked or fucked and talked as if she were the guide in a museum. Next she took me to this thing that looked like a carpenter's saw horse except this one was a little altered. It had a huge dildo in the middle. She proceeded to straddle the saw horse and the dildo thing disappeared into her. I guess she was wet from the wheel action. She then said,

"Sexual there are some controls on the wall over there. Do you see them?"

I looked into the darkness and saw buttons in the wall and it was then that I saw the wires going to a motor attached to the bottom of the horse.

"Be a sweetie and push the green one."

I did and quickly heard the motor's hum.

"Now push the one with an S on it."

The dildo thing started going down and up slowly as she straddled over it. Michelle looked at me and winked as she tossed her hair from her face.

"Now the one with the M on it."

I pushed as I watched her. Crap I must have hit the wrong one or something because this dildo thing was moving up and down at a very fast speed.

Michelle's voice was a little urgent.

"No, the other one..the other one."

I looked and thought I saw an M. I was later to learn that it was not a faded M on the button but rather was a W. I think it must have meant Wild because the dildo was not slowing down. Now I was nervous because Michelle was screaming. I thought maybe she was just one of those women I had heard about and was a screamer when having sex.

"Heeeeeeeeeeelp me."

The guy I just helped came running over and pushed the red button to try and stop the contraption but would not stop. Michelle was bucking and screaming for help and something about cumming. I would have thought she was okay except the wheel guy grabbed me and said,

"The damn thing is locked. What did you do?

"Nothing. Nothing I just hit the, oh shit, W button."

"The W button? That locks the machine for ten minutes on the hard, fast fuck motion you moron! It will fuck her to death in that period of time. We have to get her off!"

Get her off? For some reason I thought she was getting off pretty good at the moment but he meant the other getting off. I went over with him and was wondering what to do. I did not have to wonder long.

"Grab her ass and thigh and lift straight up."

I put my hands under her thigh and ass.

"On the count of three lift. One. Two. Three."

I lifted straight up and even though Michelle could not have weighed more than one hundred and ten pounds she was basically vibrating and heavy. The other guy must have been a weight lifter because she suddenly tilted toward me as we lifted. I was not prepared to lose my balance but backwards I went. The lifting of the guy sent her flying toward me. My head hit the concrete very hard and the lights went out.

The next thing I remember was waking up lying on an ice pack. Ouch!

Michael, Michelle and Becky were standing over me. I was laying on this table in the dungeon. They looked very concerned. Becky and Michelle reached between my legs and squeezed my cock as Michelle said, "That feel better bad boy?"

I fainted again.

7:18am: A Leading Hand
"Sorry Sexual I did not mean to surprise you. Have you met anyone?

Nodding a mute affirmative I pointed toward the BBW and skinny guy coming out of the bathroom. If I did not know better it looked as if the woman's face had been under a shower. The host, Michael, laughed and said, "Well I can see she has participated in one of her fetishes. She has obviously had a golden shower."

If I understand anything in life, I have understood to keep your mouth shut when you do not understand something. I knew there was not a shower in that bathroom and especially a gold one! Maybe there was a secret door. I made a mental note to check it out later because one can never pass up a good, hot shower.

"Sexual let me show you around. I do not like for my guests to be unhappy."

"Oh no. That is okay. I am not unhappy. I can sit here and you can go take care of your other guests." Do you know how hard it is to talk to a naked man and tell him to go take care of his guests? My host was going to have none of that.

"Follow me. Maybe we can find something going on that might interest you." I followed along a half step behind trying to be cool and sophisticated but my nerves were still a little on edge and I kept flashing back to their being a gold shower down here. What I did not realize was how big this basement was. At the end of a long hall was a big room. It must have had a dozen people in it.

"Ah the Mazola Oil party. Sexual have you ever been to one? It sure seemed I had lots of no answers for my host because I again nodded no. Michael then explained that everyone puts Mazola Oil all over their bodies and if you can hold on to them you can fuck them or get fucked. We stood and watched at the laughing people and finally a guy was caught. I just was not expecting it to be another guy. Ouch! Yikes! What is it about assholes with people? It was obvious that the caught guy had been "caught" before. Well, it seems the caught guy managed to grab a woman's leg and as he was being pounded by this guy he went down on the woman and had his face buried in her cunt. No sooner than this happened than a woman sat down on the caught woman's face. Soon, the rest of the people were all linked up doing things to whoever was next to them. Michael laughed.

"It looks like the train arrived."

He must have seen the confused look on my face. Now I know there was not a train in here. But, I kept my mouth shut.

"Sexual are you a virgin?"

I was shocked by the question but quietly said, "no." That was the truth. I did lose my virginity when I was eighteen. I really don't know if men can be raped and I sometimes wonder if I was, but I definitely lost my virginity to that one girl.

"I am determined to find something to interest you. Come on."

We stepped out into a beautiful garden area. Now this place must have been the place where the sex shop magazine, Outdoor Fetishes, was originated. The people there were getting after it. One lady was switching a guy's cock and sucking on it between switching. I would have run but I guess if your legs are tied to a tree limb while you are hanging upside down you cannot run. There was the one lady kneeling and three guys were standing around her and she was giving all three a blow job. I watched in shock when one guy got off and it hit all over her face. She was stroking the other two and as soon as this guy shot off she started sucking on another one. I watched this closely because another guy replaced the one who just came. Michael excused himself and went to talk to the guy. I was busy watching the three ladies doing their thing with this guy laying on the grass. I had to take my baseball cap off and fan myself. Soon Michael rejoined me and said, "The ladies love these parties because they can let their hair down and get any guy they want. Most of them are either married or in a relationship. Same with the guys. We have very few singles here and they only get in with a recommendation from someone in our group. Your sponsor was Becky."

I did not know whether to thank her or run from her. Instead of staying outside, Michael took me back inside. We briefly looked in each room as people were doing their things. I saw a guy with some kind of horse tail and bridle on him as he was being ridden like a horse. There was the guy having candle wax being dropped on his nipples and cock and I admit I must have said, "ouch" because my host laughed and said something about different strokes for different folks. We finally reached the last room. There was lots of moaning coming from it. Michael opened the door and there was Becky. She was laying over this guy who was pumping in and out of her as he lay beneath her. She was sucking a huge cock from another guy and was moaning to beat the band.

I was not prepared for what happened next. Michael excused himself and it was then I noticed how hard he was. He walked over to a little table; grabbed a bottle of oil and oiled his cock. He then dribbled some on Becky's ass and before I knew it was sliding into her ass. He was saying something about getting in rhythm. Becky was screaming out, "Yes.Yes.Yes. Fuck me hard." Seeing this stuff on gangbang porn movies is one thing but in person. I stood there in shock as I watched. Here was my date with two huge cocks in her while she sucked another one and was telling these two guys to fuck her hard. The only thought I could muster was, "How in the hell can she take two that big?"

Before I knew it, the three guys switched around. Michael, the behind guy, was now on bottom. The bottom guy was getting a blow job and the blow job guy was behind. I tried not to notice but I could not help it. Becky's ass and cunt were not closing very fast. I wondered about that but the four of them was soon at it again. Michael looked over at me and asked, "Care to join us Sexual. I am sure Becky wants another cock." "Where?", I thought. I soon found out. Michael moved the behind guy away and then took his cock in his hand. A shiver ran through me. No way would I be grabbing a guy's cock. I just was not prepared for what happened. He had the bottom guy pull almost out. The behind guy's cock was placed on top of the other guy's Cock. Michael held them together as they slowly pushed together into Becky. Holy Shit! She was hollering and saying, "give it to me!". When they both disappeared into her and stroked slowly together, the only thing I could think of was, "their cocks and balls are touching!" Now I am not against gaydom and I have great gay friends but it is just not something I would do and is foreign to me. As I write this down I even get confused as to who was doing what. Becky was getting her wish it seemed.

I eased out of the room and closed the door quietly. I did not want to disturb them and really was interested in trying to get a shower in before I left. I headed back to the bar area and another water. It seems my mouth was suddenly dry again. Besides, it was easier to hide my bulge that seemed to have shown up. My daddy probably should have named me Bashful because I could feel the flush on my face or maybe it was the mild case of shock I seemed to be in. Well, at least I could now say I had seen everything.

I should have remembered what Railyard Rosie had once said, "Never say never."

7:40am: Recovery is sometimes Slow
Sorry I have not updated my journal sooner but I have had a slow recovery. I thought that sensory shock recovery was usually pretty quick but the party was pretty much overload for me I think. Thank goodness Railyard Rosie was able to nurse me back to health but that is another story for another time.

As I said in my last entry, I had gone back into the bathroom after Becky had cut the strap on my helmet. My bladder was now somewhat refilled and only God knows where all that extra urine came from. I had decided right then that I probably should make sure I was completely empty fore and aft. Men fall into two categories when they take a dump. They either let their pants fall down around their ankles or leave them over their knees. Well, I am one who lets them fall if the floor is clean and this floor was clean. On the back of the commode was the Swapper Newsletter. I thought maybe this would be a great way to learn something about the lifestyle so I would be prepared for what was out there.

Now, I do not know why I was expecting a great written dissertation in a newsletter. But, I can tell you I was more confused afterwards. It seemed it was either personal ads or announcements for parties. There were even a few pics of naked couples advertising. I really don't know what all those acronyms meant but there was a lot of BBW, ITV,BDSM,DWFM,DBM,King Kong Dicks,multiple partners wanted and a whole bunch of other things I did not understand but it was obvious people were wanting something. I must have sat there twenty minutes reading while doing my business.

There are certain things in a hobo's life that are important. While cleaning myself I discovered the party people like soft toilet paper. I know just how rare that is and how hard it is to get because hobos cannot afford to spend a lot of money on the luxuries of life. So, I wrapped some about six times around my hand and pressing it neatly into a nice package slipped it into the inside pocket of my suit coat. This was a gold mine for me! I suppose some would find that amusing but if you have had to use leaves, old newspapers (which can leave ink on your ass), one ply recycled toilet paper or even a corn cob, then you would understand. I learned the corn cob thing in Nebraska. You used the red one first and then a white cob. The white cob showing if you were really clean or not.

Now commodes are another rarity in our lives. I had them as a kid and Daddy even had the ones with cushiony seat covers that went into the customers bathroom. Well, I had not experienced this since my childhood. I stood up and could not feel my feet! It scared me because I did not know what was going on. I washed my hands and began moving out of the bathroom. Suddenly there was thousands of prickles in my upper thighs and feet. I could not walk and was about to fall over. Well, I reached out to try and catch something as I looked down at my now really tingly, uncooperative feet. My hands filled with something very soft but at the moment I was trying to stand. I realized my legs had "fallen asleep". I held on tightly as I begin to get my toes to move. Looking back on things now, I probably should have just gone on and fell down on my face.

Moaning? I am not moaning! Although I might have because it was great to start getting feeling back in my feet. It was then that I looked up from under the bill of my NYYankees baseball cap. I was looking at MY hands holding on to two huge breasts! I immediately released my hands. I was really expecting this lady to lay me out with a fist and my feet were not quite returned to normal. I tried to move quickly. I fell instead. As I lay on that floor blushing and looking up I think one of those acronyms just made sense. This lady, who had huge breasts and weighed a good two or three hundred pounds, was definitely a BBW. Well, I recalled in my shocked mind that was one of the acronyms I looked up on the definition page of the newsletter. Only because it was close to the top and I lost interest in looking at the rest of them.

BBW was grinning and then giggled. Now, my mind was just now ready for a giggle. You know? A guffaw or a belly laugh would not have been shocking, but, a giggle? BBW's are strong too. This lady reaches down grabs my hands and yanks me straight up on my feet and looking me in my eyes said, "Now you do know you broke the house rules about asking permission don't you?" I opened my mouth to say something but before I could she slapped my hands on those huge breasts and said in this strange voice, "You have permission." Let me tell you I tried to remove them from her breasts but when your wrists are in a grip of steel holding you in place, you don't move them! I wriggled and tried as I mumbled something like, "not here for the party..putting on demonstration of Big John...need to go..get ready." She moaned again because it seems my trying to jerk my hands away and back away was doing something to her. Or is that "for her"? My word, that woman's nipples were growing huge and pushing like boulders against my captured palm. And, terror of terrors, she had now pushed me against the wall.

I had heard about people being able to see animal lust in other people's eyes. Railyard Rosie had talked about that around the campfire once with the others but I had not said anything because I did not think that kind of look existed. All I can say is, I believe. What RR did not tell us is that look strikes terror deep into the heart of the one getting that look. For a nanosecond I was REALLY glad my bladder was empty.

Here I am now flat against the wall. This BBW lady had my hands pinned between us because her breasts were pushing tight against me. She had my face locked in her hands and ohmygod! She began licking my face! She licked my face! I really must learn to keep the O look off my mouth when surprised. Before I knew it she stuck her tongue in my mouth. No, let me revise that - down my throat! I thought I was going to gag. Finally, I managed to turn my head and keep moving it from side ot side as she tried to impale me again with her tongue.

"I"
(she licked my face)

"don't
(she slobbered on my chin)

"give"
(she sucked my bottom lip and held it)

"permithin."

She held my stretched lip in her teeth and growled, "What?"

"Pleth wet gwoe my wip. I on't ive you permithin."

She let go of my lip. It was obvious this nice lady had suddenly got pissed off and immediately she reached between my legs. I instantly was thankful for Big John. She obviously had felt him pressed against her naked thigh. But this grab was not intended to be sexual. She was going to hurt me! Well, she grabbed him instead. Now Big John is wide and long and the instant she grabbed that shaft hanging from my pocket, she stopped. It was her turn for the O mouth. If cock's could breathe a sigh of relief mine did at that very moment. It was inches from the vice of a very painful injury. Although now that I think about it, it was probably retreating into my body.

BBW let go of Big John. She had this most pitiful look on her face and said in almost a pleading voice, "Will you fuck me with that huge cock of yours?" Confusion was reigning here in this charged atmosphere.

She obviously was confusing Big John with me. Now, I am no shrinking violet although I have never measured but my tip can reach my belly button although I admit I am not long waisted. Well Big John's head went above my belly button.

I was confused, frightened, mind reeling from the animal magnetism look, licking and forced gropes. Yet, through the maelstrom of thoughts I knew I had to get away from this sexual predator but I also don't like hurting people's feelings. Now this little naked skinny guy was walking to the bathroom. Why is it the little skinny guys always have the King Kong cocks. I saw my chance and blurted out, "Because he said he wanted you!" She turned and when she saw skinny King Kong immediately forgot about me. Now I have seen love at first sight and suddenly it happened right here. Their eyes locked and before anything could be said, skinny disappeared into BBW when she grabbed him. Now he was trying to hug BBW but his hands were miles apart but the sparks flew. That might not be a good description but as I hustled back to the bar I looked over my shoulder and she had a firm grip on this guy's cock. They were headed into the bathroom and she was saying something like, "I'll do the aiming, you put on the pressure. I want you." Skinny guy was not saying anything only being pulled along by his cock. Now, I am SURE I would have been speechless too being her pull toy.

Did I tell you that I was sweating? Well, I was. The first thing I did was grab a bottle of water and leaning over the bar sink poured it over my head. I dried my hair a little on the bar towel and placed it back neatly on the sink. Sitting down I opened a second bottle of water and started drinking it. You know, it was hard to calm down when you have naked people sitting around you chatting as if they were dressed in a normal bar. I stared a lot into my bottle of water.

I have had so many hands put on my shoulder in my life that it makes me jump when it happens. Policemen, shop owners, farmers, and many others have done that to me in my life and each time they were not being friendly. So I jumped.

It was the host.

7:55am: Fear Factor Follies
Well, I stood there looking at this Becky woman on her Harley. I could not move. I mean my moped accident as a kid had traumatized me and I was afraid of motorcycles. THe lady raises her visor and asked, "What is your problem? Scared? Get on."

Now I am not into the macho man thing very much because that is just not me but this woman was attacking my manhood. I put the little bowl helmet on tighter, swallowed and swung my leg over and sat down. No sooner than my ass hit the seat, she gunned it. Thank god for helmets because she blew me right off the back. Now it is very hard to even say ouch when you cannot get your breath. Of course, Becky turned around and came back quickly. She pulled up beside me and waited for me to get my breath. When I finally got two unlabored breaths she said, "You are supposed to hold on Sexual. Now get on."

As I struggled to my feet to get back on the bike, I asked, "Hold on to what?"

"Me."

"Huh? ummm...errr where?"

"My shoulders or my waist but in your case I strongly suggest the waist.:

Did I mention this woman had a little short leather jacket with only one button? Yes I think I did. Well, anyway I had to put my arms around her to hold on and I did not want to appear nervous so wiped my sweating palms before I put my arms around her. I could not believe it but I was touching her tummy skin and finally figured out to lock my fingers. Thank goodness she took off a little slower this time. I know her butt could feel Big John lying along her thigh because she wiggled it slightly. Me, I was not sitting up too tight against her - until -she turned out of the parking lot onto the street. I think I screamed when she gunned the bike. When she did I know I almost caused her to wreck. As I said, I was not sitting too close, had my arms around her trying not to touch to much with fingers interlocked. The gunning of the back made me lean way back. That caused my locked fingers and arms to go up...and under her little jacket. Shiver! I pushed her boobs up with my wrists! Man, oh man. I cannot remember the last time I have even touched boobs with any part of my body.

I moved my hands back down and locked my fingers even tighter but I was not sitting close. I think she was laughing because she flew around cars and down the street. She must have been doing 9000 miles an hour! She did not tell me that I was supposed to lean when she leaned. So when she and the bike went one way I was going the other. I finally figured out that my fingers were coming out of their sockets along with my shoulders. Thank goodness we got to the house in the foothills before too long.

Did you know that your fingers can "fall asleep" from locking them together? Becky had to pry mine apart so I could get off the Harley. She was laughing her ass off. Any other time I would have been mad about that laughing but at the moment I was just trying to stand up. My knees kept buckling. I was happy to see that I had not peed in my pants and right then at that moment I really was trying to breathe and get my heart rates down.

The woman grabbed my hand and was going to lead me up the steps but instead pointed to her head. She had shaken her long hair out and I thought maybe she had a headache or something when I realized she wanted me to take my helmet off. The snap would not work but at the moment my fingers were tingling so bad from returning blood that I could not make it work. She reached up to help me but could not get it to come loose either. I must have done something coming up the mountain. Oh, did I mention that I was screaming the whole way? My open mouth must have jammed the snap. So, here I go to this party with the motorcycle bowl helmet on my head. Sheesh!

Becky rang the door bell. It seems my mouth is forever in an O around her. You know, I was definitely not prepared for a naked man and woman to open the door. The three of them hugged and kissed. I managed to close my mouth while all this was going on. The man then asked Becky, "Who is your friend?"

"Sexual."

Well, the naked woman was looking at my crotch. Big John always leave a bulge when I carry him in the pocket. The lady said, "I can see that."

Becky then explained as we walked into the house that I was very bashful and probably a newbie to swap parties and they should take it easy on me. Swap Party? Swapping what? No way was I swapping Big John for anything. They all three laughed as we headed to stairs going down. I was shocked when Becky asked, "You got a sharp knife in the house?"

Knife? What the hell did she want a knife for? My heart rate went up again and I was trying to breathe. What now?

The man, who had been introduced as Michael, said sure and went off to the kitchen. The three of us were now at the bottom of the stairs. The naked lady was about to open the door and told Becky she would explain the rules to me. I could not remember her name because I was in total shock at seeing her naked. I suppose her shaved pootie-poo had thrown me off. She had clipped the hair so that it formed a little arrow pointing to her pootie-poo. It sure is different seeing a pootie poo in person versus in magazines. If I was shocked at their front door I was now doubly shocked when she opened this door.

The place had several people sitting around a bar having drinks and listening to what I call elevator music. The room was lit with strobe and black lights. They all were in various forms of undress or just plain naked. Becky waved to everyone because she obviously knew them all. I was transfixed to the spot I was standing. Some woman was on her knees with her hands cuffed behind her and guys were taking turns putting their cocks in her mouth and cumming. Ok, let's just say they were fucking her mouth. And she was moaning and seemed to be enjoying it. Then there was a couple in one of the three booths there and he was doing her doggie style. I know it was called that because I had seen pics in the store mag we had called Doggies Wagging Tails.

Becky hit my shoulder and said, "Sexual what do you want to drink?"

"Water," I mumbled.

She led me to a booth where this couple was dog styling and both smiled and said hello. Can you believe that? They spoke as if we were talking on the street corner? Well, Becky joined me and brought a bottle of water and she had poured herself some wine. She then proceeded to explain the rules. I heard something about your choice; clothes are optional; hang your clothes in the closet; partner must agree to whatever you want to do. Truthfully, I was kind of in a daze because this guy had finished fucking this woman and now some guy was spanking her...with a ping pong paddle while she was sucking her last partner's cock.

"Do you have any questions Sexual?"

"Huh, oh yes. Where is the bathroom?"

Becky laughed and pointed to the two doors across the bar room. I got up and excused myself. Now, in the bathroom, I locked the door and took a long, long pee. I thought I might go crazy because I was in a place where all this sex stuff was going on that I had only seen in books. I remember reading an old Hustler story some guy wrote about him and his wife and how they started swapping and having these kinds of parties. I must have been in a daze because there was a little table in this room and it had things like cock rings, rubbers, but plugs and little floggers lying on it. The knock on the door helped me gather in my spinning senses.
I unlocked the door and stepped out. Fuck!

There stood Becky in her motorcycle boots and a knife in her hand. She was naked and on her right boob was that tattoo of the black roses and handcuffs. I stumbled back because I could see the headlines tomorrow - Hobo Sliced to Pieces At Sex Party. I must have looked scared because Becky laughed and put her hand behind my head grasping my hair as she pushed me up against the wall and moved the knife toward my face!

Have you ever thought you had emptied your bladder to suddenly find out that your body had a little more pee that wanted out? This was just about to happen to me. I hear people who are killed sometimes empty onto themselves.

She did not kill me but instead cut the strap of the helmet and took it off my head.

"There that is better."

I did not say anything. I had just about swallowed my adam's apple and was rendered speechless. I immediately went back into the bathroom and locked the door. I could hear Becky's muffled voice through the door.

"OK Sexual, have a good time. I have got some serious fucking to catch up on."

9:35am: I Don't Date Anymore
It was tough getting dry last night after a day of deliveries in the rain. Thank goodness the sun is out today but it got pretty cold. Fortunately, I managed a while back to scrounge up some old blankets behind the Army/Navy store. They have a few moth holes in them but they keep me warm. Papa Joe Pizza has a delivery boy that brings me left over soup from time to time in exchange for the sex magazines I keep when they are outdated and tossed by the owner. He brought cheddar wurst soup last night. So I had a good meal since I had taken advantage and bought two day old french bread from the grocery store. Mostly I look at the mags to see how people advertise their wares. That will be important to know when Big John hits the market.
And if you stuff paper in your clothes it helps you stay warm in the winter.

I had just gotten under the three Army blankets and was about to go to sleep when someone knocked on the shed door. I got up with one of the blankets wrapped around me to see who it was. When I opened the door there stood the strap on lady. I was surprised! She was not wearing her strap on. Thank goodness because I was soon to find out how strange she was.

I invited her in when she told me she needed to talk to me. I quickly unfolded the lawn chair that I bring in every evening and offered her a seat. She was looking around my little place and noted the few magazines I had saved because I had really liked the way they had done some sex toy ads. Now, I have to tell you my boss covers all the bases and has some publications others do not carry. Unfortunately, one of the risque ones was on top - Sexual Perversion Weekly. Boy was I embarrassed when she picked it up and started leafing through it. I had earmarked one page that was advertising a toy that was a dual dildo vibrator with little chains that had nipple clips on the end of them. When she looked up at me and grinned I stammered something about evaluating the ad. She chuckled and said, "Right". Man I was blushing because I had the idea she did not believe me.

When she sat down she noticed Big John sitting upright on the big popcorn can I use for a night table. Before I knew it she had grabbed it and was looking at Big John and smiling. By now I am sitting on the bed with nothing but my usual night wear, my green glow socks. Of course I had the blanket pulled as tight as I could get it around me. I then explained how Big John worked and that I had a copyright on it and was hoping to find someone to help me manufacture and sell it. She then smiled and wanted to know if she could ask me a question. Of course she could! I wanted to answer it in hopes she would leave quickly because after what I had seen that woman scared the bejesus out of me.

"Would you like to go with me on a date tonight?"

"A date? What kind of date?"

I had these visions of her with that strap on and spanking that customer of hers. She was pretty attractive in her leather pants and jacket with only one button. She certainly was not trying to hide the fact she had great gabanzas and cleavage, but, I could not get that vision out of my head and my virgin butt was going to stay just that - virgin.

She laughed and told me that there was a party with some of her contemporaries and she found me intriguing. Well, all that is good but let me tell you as I sat on that bed my ass had sucked in some wool blanket from clenching so hard.

"By the way, I don't even know your name Mister."

"Sexual."

"What? Your name is Sexual?"

I nodded mutely and thought I would have to do the explanation thing again like I always had to do. She sat there with her mouth catching flies but thankfully I did not have to explain how I came to have that name given to me as a baby by the girls at the bordello. I was very, very hesitant and she could see that I was wavering but then she threw out the winning combination. No, she did not unbutton that one button!

"My friends are big in the business and it might be a chance for you to find some backing for your Big John line."

I was stunned and quickly agreed to go. Well, my business mind was now in high gear and I knew that I needed to dress sharply. As she sat there thumbing through the magazines I quickly got out my teaching suit and red shirt. It is always good when you can match up a wardrobe and this shirt was the exact same color at my converse tennis shoes so I was set there. I fumbled through my underwear drawer and found the perfect pair of socks since my green glow ones needed to be washed anyway. These were a nice light blue pair with Mickey Mouse on the sides. I also pulled out my white boxers with the hamburger stitched on the front. But, now I had a predicament. The lady was there and I only had the one room so where was I going to dress?

As I said, my ass was NOT going to be bare in front of her. Virginity of the ass is real important to some men and right now that was going to remain just that way for me! I pulled the blanket over me and laying down on the bed slid my boxers on. You do not know what a relieve it was to have boxers on! Once I completed that I got out from under the covers. The lady did not say anything when she saw them but she obviously was impressed because her eyes got real wide but she quickly put the magazine in front of her face. I am not sure but she either was snorting or clearing her throat. I moved quickly to finish dressing.

"What is your name lady?"

"Why, it is Master...err..I mean Rebecca. You can call me Becky."

I just nodded and then finished buttoning my top button on my shirt. It was so tight I undid the button because I was finding myself swallowing a lot. Since I had only taken a light bath I decided to put on some cologne. Thankfully I had save the bottle of Old English I had found a couple of months back. I put this on by splashing some on my cheeks and when she was not looking under my armpits. My jacket would hide the dark red spot made by the cologne until it could dry. Fortunately, I had shaved that morning so my beard was not too bad. That amazes me how many movie stars now try to have a hobo look by not shaving a lot. Who says we are not trend setters? When I reached for my baseball cap she asked me not to wear it. Well, my butt is still in a defensive mode and I did not want to irritate this woman. Hell, she probably was a twenty-second degree in some martial art and I did not want to wake up from having my butt kicked and find that strap on sticking out of it like a flag pole. Instead, I got out the brush with missing hairs and brushed my hair straight back. It was not fully dry from all the rain so it fell into place okay.

"Ready?"

Grabbing Big John and putting him tip down into my pocket with the special hole, I snuggled him into place. She had not seen this because she was headed out the door. I was wondering what kind of car she drove as I exited the shack. Boy, was I surprised.

There sat in the front of the shack a Harley painted jet black. It had one of those little flag thingies on the back. It had a wierd picture on it of two crossed black roses with handcuffs around the stems. I guess it meant she was some kind of associate deputy sheriff or something.

The night was about to get very hard. I was scared of motorcycles. My daddy had gotten me a moped when I was a little kid and I had wrecked it within hours trying to learn to ride it. I had not been on anything close to that since with the expcetion of my bicycles.

She reached in a saddlebag and tossed me a helmet. It really looked like a bowl. I put it on as she put on her helmet. It was one of those with a black face shield and it too had the black roses and handcuffs. Maybe this was the emblem of her bike club or something.

She straddled the bike and motioned for me to get on.

I was frozen on the spot and gripped in fear.

7:59am: Rain
Rain is nice. Rain is bad. Rain is rain. So much for my philosophizing. Besides, I never was good at that stuff anyway. Just living life is tough enough for us hobos who are trying to move up in the world.

The boss got a new shipment of KY in today to replace the ones he returned. He even got a bonus pack given to him free of the new KY that is supposed to warm up when you put it on or use it to massage with. Now that got me to thinking about Big John and how to make him warmer. You know a button or something to make him warmer but I immediately ruled out black pepper. I don't think that would be good but I suppose if you put TAKILLYA in his balls you could add jalapeno juice or something to the TAKILLYA. Oh, and the couple got a big check from KY or so the boss said. I kind of got out of that one luckily. It could have brought my business plan and savings to a screeching halt.

As I said today has been tough with all the rain. I don't have a raincoat and being a hobo one must be inventive so I got one of those big plastic garbage bags and cut neck and arm holes out. I did not want to get my suit wet so I wore my overhauls today with my number 69 football jersey. I left my NYYankees baseball cap at home so it would not get ruined. To try and keep my hair dry, I just rolled up one of the plastic bags we put merchandise in at the store and used it for a hat.

I was off to my first delivery and found out immediately that the day was going to be disastrous. A policeman pulled me over as I headed down the street and made me take the bag off my head. Seems I had covered up some of the ad on the bag and it was showing "We do sex". I had rolled the words "shop business in a warm atmosphere." He threatened to take me to jail for soliciting! Well, I unrolled the bag, got drenched and showed him it was a bag from the shop. He just sat in his patrol car laughing while I stood in the rain getting soaked. I re-rolled the bag so it said, "We do sex shop business". I was mad but did not say anything because cops can be awful mean to us hobos sometimes.

So, I arrive for my delivery. Now, this one was not a repeat customer. I rang the doorbell and waited in the rain. The bag of stuff I had was pretty big so I knew this order could bring me a tip. I was not prepared for the tips I saw!

I saw someone peek through the blinds. I get that all the time so I have learned to stare straight ahead. I had the delivery bag under my trash bag raincoat. Well, the door came open and there was this woman in very, very tall high heels, thigh high stockings with a garter belt and she had a huge hard on! I knew she was a woman, or maybe one of those guys changing their sex because she had these little dangly things hanging off her nipples.

"Ah, so you are here to get that ass fucked boy toy?"

Let me tell you, that scared the shit out of me! I felt my feet ready to move out immediately. I was speechless because all I could see was this huge cock poking straight out at me. It took me a few more seconds to then realize that I had made a good deduction. She was a woman because I saw the straps going around her hips. Phew! So that is what one of those things looks like strapped on.

I was about to tell her what I was there for when she reached out and yanked me in the house. She was pretty damn strong because her nails punctured a good rain coat when she grabbed my arm.

"Now get out of those clothes toy! I am going to fuck that sweet ass of yours until you beg for mercy."

Now, I must admit that seeing a nekkid woman can get me aroused but at that moment in time I could not have gotten hard if my life depended on it and right then I could feel my ass cheeks so taut she would not have been able to drive a nail in it with a sledge hammer.

I tried to tell her why I was there but the only thing that emerged was a squeak. My voice had departed me. So, being a man of action, I immediately pulled the delivery bag from under the raincoat bag and held it straight out to her.

She smiled and said, "Oh you brought me some new toys to use on you boy toy?"
That comment made me clench my ass cheeks even more. Now, I could still not find my voice but I can tell you that my head was shaking a vigorous NO! NO! NO! While this is all going on I was frantically patting myself down to find the receipt. This strap on lady was laughing and said, "Oh you have something more for me? What is it? You want nipple clips since you keep patting your chest. Hell, all I wanted to do was find that damn receipt and I thought I had put it in the bib pocket of my overhauls. Well, I finally managed to open that button and get the thing out. It was a little wet but I held it out to her. I was shaking so bad she had to grab my wrist to hold my hand steady. She saw the receipt and started laughing.

Now I had never thought the sight of a dildo strapped woman laughing would be funny. It is now that I am out of that house, but at the time it was not. She had a big belly laugh that made that strap on bounce up and down, up and down. Sheesh!

Well, she gave me the money for the items. Her bill came to over $200 and she gave me a $20. But, she said she would give me a little something extra since I came out in the rain to deliver if I wanted it. I finally was able to mumble, "Thank you but no thank you."

About that time the door bell rang and she told me it was probably her customer. Customer? Customer? I could not believe that some guy would pay to be fucked in the ass. We never had customers like that at the bordello. Well, maybe we did and I did not know because the girls were always behind closed doors. The mayor might have done that stuff because he always called his favorite girl Mistress.

Anyway this guy comes in and immediately pulls off his raincoat. He was naked! Once again my mouth was probably catching flies. The woman grabs him by the hair and bends him over the arm of the couch and runs fingers into his ass and saying something about loosening it up. She spanked him with her palm while she was doing that. I was dumbstruck but fortunately my feet were not. I got to the door as fast as I could. The guy was moaning! Hell, I would have been screaming. I excused myself quietly and eased out the door. The last thing I saw was the woman putting the tip of that strap on against his pucker.

I do not think I have ever paddled harder to get back to the store. I will tuck the twenty into my prophylactic bank when I get back. Sometimes this job brings big surprises. I mean I just did not know that people paid to have things like that done to them especially with strap ons that have huge cocks.

When I got back to the store, the sales girl asked me, "Hey Sexual did you get fucked in the ass?" She pointed at my raincoat bag. Seems I had kind of sucked that thing and my overalls tightly into the crack of my buns. Sheesh!

Somedays this job can be very stressful and tense.

8:43am: BBQ
Sometimes I believe we find people in our lives who make it decidedly different. Railyard Rosie is just such a person. Now she is a very strong woman. Opinionated? Yes she is and is always willing to let me know what she thinks. I just wish she would quit socking me with her purse or fist sometimes but she says she does that because I get brain lock. Actually, she sometimes makes me speechless with her assertiveness. My mom died at childbirth and I guess the girls in the bordello did spoil me, so RR sometimes puts me off kilter.

Now Railyard Rosie has traveled a lot as a hobo and loves the open road but she has found her niche I think. She rules the roost at the hobo jungle and of course all the guys are always trying to hit on her. She is an attractive woman in her own way with a great body and wonderful smile. Of course she loves wearing her dresses that she finds at Good Will or in the dumpsters behind the clothing outlet mall. She makes them all fit. I don't know why I am writing about her but she has been a calming influence and has always encouraged me. I think she likes me but I really am shy around her. I get enough smacks from her without trying to hit on her. I remember when Whiskey Willie grabbed her one day when she was getting ready to cook. I still say that cast iron frying pan upside his head caused him to drink even more. I really would like to know where he gets his money to buy that cheap wine. I have a suspicion he just might be rich and not telling anybody.

Anyway, I jumped on my bike and took off for the railroad trestle camp. As usual, the gang was glad to see me. I really do like all those folks because there are some pretty smart people there and all so different. We discussed the homeless situation in America and all of us agreed that we were happy that we were not in that situation. I suppose things could be worse for us but we are happy and really have a great communal life and all of us get to travel whenever we want to travel.

I asked RR if she wanted to come over for fill-it mid-Johns. She smacked me and said they were fill-it minions. Well, I mumbled something about the sex shop owner calling them that. Well, she said she would but let her change clothes. I thought she looked pretty good in her overalls and flannel shirt with the top three buttons of her shirt undone. Well, I am a man! Her cleavage is really an eye magnet. I borrowed two potatoes from the communal kitchen and put them in my pocket to take with us while she changed.

Wow! She really fixed herself up. She came out of her place with pink ankle socks, sandals, a dress with a plunging neckline, and her ever present purse. I thought she looked pretty darn good in that purple dress with green polka dots. She did a slow turn and asked me how she looked. I was speechless and even more so when she told me she had matching panties. I suppose I blushed when she told me because she just laughed and called me a silly doofus. Well, she never mentioned the color of her bra but I knew she did not have one on since the headlights were on..so to speak.

She hopped up on the handlebars and we were off. Now one stretch of the road is downhill and of course we were flying as I kept the pedals in neutral and did not paddle. I certainly did not want the chain to fly off after the last incident. Some guy in a convertible gave her a wolf whistle. It was a good thing her dress was blown up into her face and she could not see the guy because she would have given him hell. Now RR can make a sailor blush when she gets mad. She damn near fell off the handlebars when she pushed her dress down to see who had whistled. It was pretty scary there for a moment trying to stop wobbling and put on the brakes without throwing her off. She made me stop and put me on the handlebars telling me that I was not a good driver but then she never knew a man who was good at driving. She did say that some drove pretty hard but always ran out of steam during the drive. I told her I did not know anyone had steam cars or bikes. I got another smack for no reason at all. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding her comments.

Now RR has obviously not ridden a bike in a while because when we came flying into my place behind the sex shop we were hauling ass. I was screaming for her to put on the brakes. She was trying to figure out how to do that and when she did she really put them on. Do you know I got up close and personal with the knot hole in my shack wall. She did get the splinters out of my face when I slid down the wall. Thank goodness she did not wreck the bike! Personally, I do not know why she was laughing so hard as she yanked those splinters out. She actually had tears in her eyes.

Anyway, I fired up the grill again and took the whatever the hell you call them out of the cooler and put them on. RR sliced up the potatoes and used the little egg skillet to fry them up. She was going on and on about how she had found her dress behind the clothing outlet although it was a little too tight across her breasts. Heh! I just told her I thought it fit her like a glove. I sure did not mouth the last of that thought "glove with headlights".

Fuck! I sure was glad I had some butter! Not for the potatoes but my fingers. I was sitting on my haunches cooking when RR sat down in the doorway. When she sat down she leaned her forearms on her knees and had her legs wide open. Yep, she had matching panties on but they sure were small and well, her cleavage was kinda more exposed. I was so shocked, embarrassed, discombobulated that I accidentally touched the grill. RR finally had to grab me in a headlock to keep me from dancing around and flailing my hand in the air. I can tell you she was calling me a few names of which some are not printable. I did not know the answer when she asked me, "What the hell is wrong with you Sexual? Why did you touch the grill?" I just shook my head and said nothing because she had by now thrust my hand in the ice chest. She laughed when I shivered but I can tell you that Big John now had a little more room in my pants leg. I am always surprised when I realize that I have a boner and am not aware of it. I suppose that is one of the disadvantages of having zoot suit pants. They are roomy to say the least.

Dinner went well. I had used the melmac dishes from my stash and had found a partially used set of red plastic forks and knives someone left in the park after their picnic. Rosie surprised me and pulled out a bottle of wine she had gotten from Whiskey Willie last week. It was at least two-thirds full and being red wine did not need to be chilled. We just drank it straight from the bottle since I did not have any wine glasses.

Afterwards, I washed up the dishes and put everything up. RR sat in the lounge chair I had found behind the five and dime store. She did not seem to mind that a couple of the straps were busted in the seat area and I did not mind that she had hiked her dress up to mid-thigh to "catch a few rays" as she said. RR told me that this had been an interesting date. I did not realize we were even on a date! But, I did not say anything because my face was hurting from where she pulled the splinters out. She noticed me poking at the places and told me to come over and she would put some medicine on it for me.

I should have known this was not going to go well. Railyard Rosie reached in her purse and pulled out a bottle and said this would make me forget the pain of the splinters. Iodine certainly will. She took a rage from her purse and dabbed it on the places. Well, if you have ever had iodine on an open wound you know what I mean. Of course I could do nothing about it because she had wrapped her legs around my waist and grabbed a handful of hair so I could not jump off the chair. Do you believe it? She knew it was going to burn! And it did!

Now I have a low tolerance of pain for some things and iodine tops the list.

When she got to the big one and slopped that stuff on it, I must have lurched when I hollered. I just remember in the fog of the pain her legs squeezing tighter around my waist when I tried to throw my head back and my hips thrust forward. Of course the burn goes away quickly but that was not my current problem!

I somehow managed to squeak, "too tight..too tight. Can't breathe." RR had this look on her face. Her eyes were half closed and her mouth slightly open but then she snapped out of that look when she heard me trying to breathe. Thank goodness, she undid her legs. I just fell back gasping for breath. Well, she was concerned and leaned over me as I lay on the leg part of the chair panting for breath. Let me tell you, that woman makes me very nervous!

Now her boobs were touching my shirt as she looked into my eyes. I could hardly breathe and could only gulp when she said, "Are you okay?" I could only shake my head yes as I pushed her away from me. I really think I might have cut up too many onions to go with the steak and potatoes.

I sat up and stumbled to get the wine and took a big slug before offering her some. RR started laughing and when I asked her what she was laughing about she could only point to my crotch and then my face. I did not even realize that I had another boner. Damn I was embarrassed but now she was only pointing at my face and laughing. I went into the shack and brough my hand mirror to the sunlight. Criminey! My face looked like I had the chicken pox or some other plague with its bright iodine spots all over it. You know once that stuff dries you can't wash it off? So I am wearing it off, okay?

Well, by now I had had all the excitement I could stand so I told RR that I needed a nap and immediately stretched out on my patch of grass and fell asleep. The sunshine felt good.

I do not know how long I slept but when I woke up RR was gone. I guess she had walked back to her place. I sure hoped she was not mad. Her note did not sound like it was. This is what it said.

Dear Sexual,
Thank you for a lovely dinner.
It was a fun date,
although it left me wet.
RR

Wet???? It had not rained while I napped. Maybe she spilled some water because I noticed the water bucket was empty. Oh well, I am sure that we will still be friends although I can really feel my side muscles getting sore. It might be tough explaining to the customers about the spots on my face though.

11:22am: I started to start my journal with the word "well". It seems that one is continually going through my head when I journal. Pardon me while I finish up the steaks that the owner gave me for my black eyes. I managed to find one of those hibachi grills at the junkyard. It did not have the little grill parts so I kind of made one so it would work. It took me a hell of a long time to beat out that old colander so it would lay flat.

Wood is not a problem around here since there are lots of trees lying around on the ground from the last storm. I took the bike and stockpiled some yesterday. Yesterday was the first time I did not have blurred vision. I have made up my mind that Big John is NOT going back to class with me. Well, rather, he will remain in the pocket.

I made enough off sales commissions from the last class to buy a few things like salt, pepper, hot sauce, eggs and a $1.25 styrofoam cooler and a bag of ice. I now have eggs in the ice box, so to speak. In fact, I am going to have steak and eggs today. The owner kept calling the steaks feel-it mid-Johns. They are kind of small so I suppose one egg on each one. Thank goodness I have an old Dutch oven. I can cook anything in that.

The house is coming along nicely too. I found an old blue plastic tarp with a hole in it and cut it down so that I now have a nice awning over the front door. That is where I cook now with my hibachi grill. Finding poles were pretty tough but I managed to find two of those steel rods at a construction site. They serve as my poles. I sure hope the tail lights I punched out as I was driving down the street are not too costly. I know the driver did not realize I did that but I could not ride down the sidewalk anymore either. Don't you hate it when the chain slips off and you don't have brakes? The mailman sure was mad when I hit him. I thought we would never get all that junk mail picked up for him.

You know I keep thinking about the last class and that lady sitting on my face. Now I have heard guys at bars make comments like, "c'mon baby sit on my face and let me calibrate my tongue." I have checked my tongue out in the mirror and I do not see one thing that you push, twist or turn to calibrate your tongue. I never realized it could be. Besides, that calibration must not take very long because you sure can't breathe when your face is full of thong, thighs and butt. I now know what they mean when people talk about near death experiences. I hope that when I die it is not from suffocation!

Am seriously thinking about riding down to the railyard and picking Railyard Rosie up to eat these steaks with me. I miss those guys a lot but sometimes you have to move when the business world starts moving you back up the food chain. Railyard Rosie always gives me a hard time but she has a good heart. What I really want to do is see if she will volunteer to let me practice that new electrical fuck machine with her. I certainly cannot afford to look like an idiot in front of the class while demonstrating. Besides, she can get on and then pull the dress back over the cock part so she won't be embarrassed. For that matter, it will help keep my own red face at a low peak. Yep, that is what I am going to do. Will write more later.

taking the half cooked steaks off the grill and tossing them in the cooler until I get back, I mount my bike and head for the hobo camp under the railroad trestle by the stream.

7:10am: Class Horrific
I finally got to teach my first class. I have asked the owner to please make sure there is chicken wire between myself and the students. Teaching is a dangerous occupation! Us hobos do not make much more than teachers anyway, but our life is sure a lot less dangerous!

My first class had ten people of which seven were women. I believe I was the only one there who was embarrassed but I soon got over that. When you know your material and can get excited about teaching others about it, you can quickly forget any butterflies. I went through all the new dildo, butt plug, vibrator items we had in the store. Now, I have to admit I was a little bit put off when one lady actually tested out one of the vibrators as I passed the sample around the room. Thankfully, she bought it on the spot and I did lose the class there for a moment when they got out of their seats and watched. Me, I was cool as a cucumber. I went and got her a towel. Now I did get a little perturbed when the one male Dom made his male slave try out the butt plug. Ouch! Not only was that thing BIG but he did not even use KY. He just spit on his butt and plugged him. Now this new butt plug was one that when you sit on it, it rotates on its base so it kinda makes circles in your ass. Well, I had to go get another damn towel. The guy that was plugged got a raging hard on and then shot his wad. The lady sitting in front of him was not real happy when he hit her right between the shoulder blades with a huge spurt. I had to go get another towel.

As I said, there were a lot of sales in the first class and most are coming back to see he electrical stuff next week. I gave them some handouts. There was one other lady in the class that had not bought anything. She was kind of shy and looked like maybe she was a school teacher. I say that because she was wearing black rimmed glasses and had her hair up in a bun. She reminded me of my English teacher in high school. Now I have to admit that she had some big boobs and I knew that because the buttons on the front of her dress were barely staying buttoned. The front of her dress was pretty stretched out. I bet she had reinforced those buttons. She raised her hand like a student and that is probably what gave away the fact she was really a teacher. Everyone else would just rudely interrupt my lecture if they had a question.

So the lady said, "All those things are great but I find them boring. I do not get many dates or just do not want the club scene. Do you have something here that you have not shown us?'

The light bulb came on immediately! I walked up to the front of her and said, "Ma'am I have a prototype here that you might be interested in." She must have figured out that I had Big John in the front pocket because she kept looking down at that area and was grinning shyly. I reached into my pocket and pulled out Big John! Holding him out in front of me, I demonstrated that this dildo had a hole in the tip just like any regular cock. Then I showed them the cap and how it could be opened to fill the balls. Then holding the tip pointed toward my mouth, I gave the balls a squeeze. Of course, the TAKILLYA squirted into my mouth. I then proceeded to explain that you could fill the balls with anything you wanted from warm water for douching, if that is your desire, or booze so you could party at home safely and not be on the road drunk. The little lady had already given the balls a couple of squeezes and was examining Big John very closely. Now the lady who had bought the 10" vibrator wanted to see Big John. The little shy lady, who was obviously feeling the effects of two TAKILLYA squirts told the woman, "fuck off."

Now I have to tell you that I was shocked to hear those words come out of this shy woman's mouth but not as shocked as I was about to become. The next thing I know is the two women have Big John in their hands and they are trying to snatch it away from each other. Now I was really worried because I only had one backup Big John and I certainly did not want this one destroyed! Big John was obviously a hit but I needed to make sure I had a good model so that others could be made. I was raised a Southern gentleman but at some time that crap has to go out the door! Especially when you are seeing your livelihood and future possibly going down the drain. So, I waded into what was becoming a melee. The other eight people were watching and began chanting, "Cat fight! Cat fight!"

When I reached out and grabbed Big John I shouted, "Ladies, please. Let me have Big John back. I will get you one." Now you can imagine I was even MORE surprised when they both said, "Fuck you." But that is not the half of it. Just at that moment, two ladies punched me in the eyes at almost the same time. As my knees buckled from the surprise, I held on to Big John. I suppose my weight and them now holding on with one hand freed him from their grip. I immediately rolled over on my stomach with Big John underneath because both of those women jumped on me and was trying to get him back. They had managed to roll me onto my back and was yanking but I had him wrapped tightly in my arms and hands.

Thank god for the owner coming in to see what the ruckus was about. The little school teacher lady whose hair had fallen out of the bun and whose boobs had finally burst loosed from the bonds of her tight dress had grabbed my balls and was screaming something to the effect, "give me that dildo or I will rip these puppies right out of their sack." The reason I was not sure what she was saying? The other lady was sitting on my face trying to yank Big John and fight at the same time. Now, I have had some near death experiences but at that moment I was not breathing air. She must have had edible panties on because my face was getting kind of sticky. Now, I do not like to call people fat, but, her thighs were, well, ummm, cutting off my hearing. I was flopping and bucking. I could not breathe. I could not hear. And, to top it off, I thought that little school teacher was going to rip my balls out. Talk about a crunching death grip!

I sit here for the second day in a row icing my balls. The swelling has really receded and of course the owner was kind enough to give me some steaks for my eyes, which are pretty darn black and blue. I will cook the steaks later. No since it letting good meat go to ruin. He told me he was finally convinced that Big John would be a seller. He took the second one I had and is now trying to find a company to duplicate and manufacture it. He did give me very specific instructions not to demo Big John until he got them on the manufacturing line. Well, I may be a hobo and I may not be the brightest light on the business tree, but I am not stupid. I was almost neutered, suffocated and blinded showing Big John. Nope, he will stay in my pocket and out of sight in class from now on.

The owner was pleased with the sales and he promised the two ladies a freebie later on and even has gone to make the deliveries himself. He is a real nice guy giving me not only business chances but picking up the delivery slack while I recuperate. Hmmm, I never did see what freebie he took to them.

8:34am: Overhauls
Met an interesting hobo today passing through. He was a good ole Southern boy like me. In talking with him, he made me remember the joy of overhauls. I know it is spelled overalls but it is pronounced overhauls. Whiskey Willie was a little slow on the uptake when we were talking since he is one of those deaf Canadians that is always saying "eh?". But that is another story.

If I were not a business man and needing to wear my suit for work, I could easily go back to the overhauls. First of all, you have the loop on the side and Big John could fit in their easily and I would not have to put that hole in my pocket to slide him in. I always say to perk people's interest you have to put the product out for them to see and touch and that would prevent me having to take Big John in and out of my pocket.

I am a pocket guy. I love pockets and overhauls have their share of them. Having to be very mobile you have to carry the necessities with you. The one pocket that would be very useful is the one on the bib. I could keep my money in it and button it up. Besides if it rained the prophylactic would keep the money dry.

Now if anyone wants to know what season it is or what the weather is, they can just look at someone wearing overhauls. You know they have two or three buttons on the side. I prefer two myself. Well, if it is cold (winter/late fall) all the buttons will be buttoned. In the spring and early fall one button will be undone. Now, in the heat of summer you turn on the overhaul AC and undo both buttons. That also means in hot weather you are probably shirtless and shoeless too. See what an easy wardrobe overhauls are for people?

Now, I have to admit I saw Railyard Rosie in a summer pair once. That is overhauls that are shorts. Now Rosie is not a barefoot kinda gal because she said wasn't any man going to make her barefooted because she did not want to get pregnant. You know, I never thought about it but I guess most babies are made when people are either without their shoes or barefooted. Well, this one summer things were pretty hot so Rosie decided to go without a shirt. That did not last very long because she is kinda full busted and she said the denim made her nipples raw from rubbing on them. I wanted to watch her but I am kind of shy and she would catch me looking and ask me what I was looking at. After the third time of telling her I was reading the OshKosh on her bib she smacked me. She never believes me when I tell her things. Anyway, she was wearing those Daisy Duke kind of overhauls.

They were loose on her and she had loosened both buttons. You know she decided that too many of the hobos were gawking so she put underwear on. How do I know? Well, it was not hard to spot the white boxers with red hearts on them. I was not looking through her side AC! They kind of hung out the bottom of the overhauls since they were longer. One of the guys asked her why she wore boxers and she got really mad and told him that guys did not have a corner on the boxer market and besides they were comfortable. I know the real reason she wears them. One of her male friends probably left them. And if there is one rule of hobos it is, "You leave it. It is mine." Free is always good. I remember the day she got them. She was down at the river washing them and talking about how disgusting skid marks were. I did not know she had ever been in a car or to a race track.

Yep, I think I am going to see if the owner will let me wear overhauls to do my delivery duties for him. Besides, I can hook the plastic delivery bags on the buttons on the side. Those buttons are pretty secure and strong.
Besides, it won't matter if they get wrinkled on the pant leg I roll up to ride the bike and have I learned an important lesson about doing that. It is stuck in my mind like glue. Have I mentioned that just the mention of the word "glue" causes me to shiver?

2:55pm: Ire in the Old
Now, I love going down to see all my buddies at the Hobo Jungle. They all live under the railroad tracks. I left Railyard Rosie my humble abode there when I got a chance ot move in behind the Sex Shop. I really miss all those guys and Railyard Rosie is quite happy being the queen of the roost there.

All the guys keep trying to "get in her pants" as they say, but I know for a fact she does not have any pants. Sometimes I think she has the hots for me but I am a little leary of her because she can be very domineering and I cannot stand women like that. Why can't they just be friends?

I remember one time that Rosie had been a very sexy mood. She unbuttoned the two top buttons on her cotton dress and did not wear a bra that day. It was funny because the dress was a petunia print and her nipples were right against that yellow thing in the flowers. laughing I guess they were bloomers. She kept trying to get me to go swimming with her but I did not want to get my madras, knee length shorts wet. I save those for swimming but I knew Rosie did not have a swimsuit. But that is another story and I remember how much she enjoyed the time she treated my cock after Old George the big catfish in the river that runs by the jungle had grabbed me when I was washing up. You know I think iodine is probably the most painful thing I ever felt. I would not have let her do it except he had ground me up pretty good. It did take seven of the guys to hold me down. Now she could have just poured, but, no, Rosie had to dab it on.

Well, I had made a little extra that week and on Saturday night every one throws in for a big stew. I had found some peppers behind the grocery store that had some brown spots on them and so I grabbed them up because the flies had not settled on them and I knew we could cut the brown spots out. I must have had ten of them! Although I had never heard of a brand name called Jal. The box was busted so I could not see the rest of the name but I was sure that was the brand name.

That night we had some new hobos in the camp and a new girl. We do not see girl hobos very much so it was a big event. I cut the brown spots out of the peppers, which were kinda juicy, and tossed them in the black cast iron kettle we cook in. We even had a couple of chickens the guys had managed to scrounge from one of the farmers for helping him shovel out the barn. Rosie made them go down and bathe. There clothes were still wet. I do not think they took them off. Of course, we had hobo staples like beans and onions to toss in and even some tomatoes that the new hobos brought with them off the train. I guess the train was shipping vegetables.

This new hobo girl kept eying me and when I went to take a leak in our porta potty we drug up that had a broken door, she followed my out. Well, I almost fainted when I came out of the potty putting my cock back in my pants. I barely got it in in time. She kept eying Big John who was in his usual position. My god, the woman undid her top and then grabbed my hands and put them on her breasts. I told her I had not washed up yet but she did not care. I finally told her I had to go that Rosie was calling me and I beat feet back to camp. She kinda had a hurt look on her face. I guess it was because I was a sharp dresser. I had put my number 69 back on since this was a causal dress evening. Besides I did not want to wear out my new shirt with the fancy buttons. As I walked back I could have sworn I heard her scream and then a big splash. She was hollering something like, "hot, hot, hot". Some people just advertise their sex needs I suppose.

Eventually she came back up and as she walked by gave me a look that if it had been knives would have killed me on the spot. I mean she was nice looking and all but as I said before, I have a lot of business worries and casual sex had to take a very far back seat. Railyard Rosie asked me what that was about and I told her what happened. I thought Rosie was going to jump on her and beat her up but she just smiled, took a very deep breath, and said, "Well, Sexual you do have this animal magnetism." I guess it was the closest I have ever come to being called an animal. Now, the owner has called me the son of a dog a few times, but never a woman.

Finally, the stew was ready and Whiskey Willie was dishing it out. Railyard Rosie, who was originally from Texas or so she says, and I got the first bowls. I had gathered up some bent up mess kits from garbage bin behind the Army-Navy store and Rosie was always telling me how much she was enjoying hers. Well, the bakery always gave us their two day old bread. We have gotten used to it being hard but when you soak it in a good stew it is just like it came out of the ovens. Rosie had dipped her bread and was eating away and saying she had not had anything this good since leaving Texas. She told me that the peppers I had brought in gave it good TexMex flavor. I did not know what that meant but thanked her. I had a big chunk soaking up the juices and being very hungry popped it in my mouth and began chewing.

You know I could taste a little something different as I chewed. The Jal peppers were kind of warm and you could taste the flavor. Rosie just sat with her eyes closed and chewed. She had a big smile on her face and every so often formed an O with her mouth and just kind of blew air out.

Let me tell you something right now. Do NOT buy Jal peppers. All of a sudden my mouth and tongue were on fire! I thought I was going to die! I grabbed my tin and started drinking water and the more I drank the hotter it got! I thought I was dying! Rosie looked at me and then just busted out laughing. By now, I had stood up and was trying to yank my bandana out of my pocket. I did not care if I had blown my nose on it that day or not. I had to get that frigging fire out of my mouth. Well, with bandana in my mouth I kept trying to tell Rosie that I was cooking. I think it came out something like "Ire in the old." Rosie was laughing so hard that tears were running down her face as she slowly enjoyed her stew and asked me if I wanted mine. I had about half the bandana in my mouth rubbing and trying to keep my tongue from the roof of my mouth. I just shook my head violently from side to side.
Seems I was not the only hobo having a problem with the stew. The two ladies were all watching us in amazement as we guzzled water, wiped out tongues, and did some high stepping dance steps. Seems the new hobo lady was from Texas too. Well, Whiskey Willie finished off his bottle of Mad Dog 2020 and proceeded to pass out with his tongue hanging out of the corner of his mouth. Well, pretty soon everyone began to cool down.

Railyard Rosie looked at me and advised me to leave while I could because they were starting to eye me with some pretty angry eyes. I mutely nodded and left with the bandana stilled crammed in my mouth.

Railyard Rosie told me later that I had brought some "caballero" peppers from that Jal company and that they were some of the hottest in the world. She was not lying there!

So, if anyone reads this journal I hope they learn from my ignorance but let me say it again in case I forget or someone wants to know.

Do NOT buy JAL peppers. Those things will cook you, especially the "caballeros".

7:26am: Sticky Situation
I do not like to lie but after yesterday, I had to tell a little white lie or I would have been out of a job and a place to live. It seems that a swinger's club does not have anything at all to do with swings. It is where a bunch of people get together and have an orgy or something like that.

The Sex Shop owner got a call about an hour after delivery from the people I delivered the KY to. Seems the people giving the party decided to try out their party plans first. Well, they got nekkid and KY'd themselves up real good. They called in a pretty upset mode. The Sex Shop owner told me to come with him. He was a little bit rattled but did not say anything on the way over there. He just kept on cussing a lot about nothing in general but kept asking himself what the fuck was going on. I just kept my mouth shut. I knew something was wrong. Boy, was I ever right.

Anyway we get to this nice, and I mean nice, house. The owner goes up to the door and does not knock or anything. He just walks into the house. I followed him but I was scared. I mean after all we could have been arrested for trespassing or something. I followed because the owner acted like he knew where he was going.

We walked through the house and straight out the back. Wow! These people had a big pool with waterfall and jacuzzi. It had been set up for a party and at first I thought maybe the boss was going to be doing a sales party or something because there were lots of stuff we have in the store. Some were sitting out on the bar while others were stacked neatly in their unopened container. About that time the boss called out asking Pete and Mary (turns out that was their names) where they were. They hollered back that they were by the waterfall. We walked over there and I must have said something like Holy Shit or something because the owner said, "Yeah Sexual, Holy Shit."

I saw a lot of things while in the bordello but I had never seen anything like this in my life. Mary was laying on her back naked. I do not know, but I kinda always blush seeing naked women. I mean I made love to a woman once before but it was in the back seat of my daddy's car at night and in the country. It was dark. Of course I saw the girls in the bordello but that was different. They were naked but these people were nekkid. Nekkid means you don't have any clothes on and are going to be doing something very soon.

As I was saying, Mary was on her back and Pete was sitting across her tummy and had his cock between her breasts. That isn't exactly right. I think it would be better to say his cock was STUCK between her breasts. Her hands were stuck on his ass and the cell phone was stuck on Pete's hand. Anyway they were screaming at the owner about his putting glue in the KY. He kept telling them he did not do that. He wheeled around and screamed, "What the fuck did you do Sexual?" Something told me I better not tell the whole truth here. So I told him, "Nothing. I just delivered the stuff."

Thank goodness, he believed me. Maybe someday I will tell him what really happened but right now the couple had a sticky problem and I knew that we had to find a solution. To say that I was nervously perspirating would be an understatement!

The owner picked up the KY tube next to them and tested some on his fingers and announced that it was a glue. He got a comment like, "No shit Sherlock." Pete was mad. Mary was crying and told Pete to hold still that every time he moved it pulled her breasts and she wailed something about she thought her ass was raw from inch worming to the phone. He screamed something about his knees being that way.

The owner wanted to try and pull them apart but they quickly let him know that it was not going to happen. Everyone was perplexed as to what to do. I then finally found my voice and said, "I think I know something." I then started explaining to them about the time I had accidently super glued my cock to my pants when I had used super glue to try and repair a tear and how Railyard Rosie had used nail polish remover. I then started to describe how she did it when the owner screamed, "We do not care about how she did it Sexual." Mary said she had some nail polish remover in the house so the owner ran inside. I just kinda stood there and did not say anything. Boy, were they stuck together!

Soon the owner came out with the nail polish remover and immediately went to work on Pete's hand and sure enough the stuff worked. Pete was able to pull the phone off his hand! But now there was a problem. They were out of nail polish remover. The owner told them he would be right back and told me to stay there and help them. Help them? Do what?

It seemed like the owner was gone a long time. I got them both some water to drink and kinda spilled some of it on Mary's breasts. Wow! She had huge nipples and breasts. They were talking about their party and how they had better come up with another theme for the evening if they could get unstuck. I took Big John out and showed him to them and told them they could have drinking contests with Big John's and do stuff like who could get the farthest apart and still catch the stream from the end. Of course I was hoping to make a big sell here but the sale got interrupted with the return of the owner. He had gone to the local pharmacy and bought about ten bottles of nail polish remover.

He wanted me to work on the front and he would work on the hands but I kind of hesitated. I mean, I did not want to be touching Pete's cock or anything because I had now figured out these people were pretty kinky. I mean I do not have anything against homosexuals because I have a friend down at the Hobo camp who comes in from time to time. We call him BJ Express because he likes to do that kind of stuff with guys but I just do not touch another guy's cock because I am as straight as they come. So instead, we both worked first on Mary's hands on Pete's ass. Ofter about two bottles of nail polish remover we got her hands free. I could see that he was going to have a perfect imprint of her hands there. I guess between the glue and the remover it kinda made his ass pink. Oh, did I mentioned how he screamed when the nail polish remover was put on his ass. It seems Mary had kinda dug her nails in a few times and boy she had some long nails. That stuff obviously burns cuts.

Next we began to work on the front and had kind of discovered that if one person slowly pulls back as the remover is put on it lets the stuff get to the next part. I was designated the puller. Man I was nervous! So we thought getting the sides done would be the best way first. As I squatted over Mary's head and grabbed her breasts, the owner begin to put the remover on and we slowly peeled the inside of her breasts back off Pete's cock. I guess the owner and Pete were concentrating on the application and did not notice, but as they were doing this, Mary's nipples got really hard and pushed against my palms. Talk about sweating now. I just kept them covering and pulling slowly. She was moaning. I guess she was trying to be brave and not scream as they were being pulled from his cock. I just held on tight and focused on what was going on between her breasts. Once I kinda squatted too low because squatting can get tiring to the back of my legs. I am not sure but I think she nuzzled me. Well, I immediately raised my butt up even though my legs were beginning to shake a little bit.

They finally freed the sides of her breasts and there was Pete's cock lying flat. There was no way I was going to be the peeler on that. Thank goodness Pete said he would do the peeling. I was instructed to keep Mary's breasts away. Phew! If I had to have peeled, I am afraid that Pete and Mary would have been stuck together forever! I had by now moved to one side of her head and was kneeling and holding her huge breasts pushed to the sides. I noticed she slightly moved her shoulders as she lay there. I was not holding as hard and it took me a minute to realize she was slightly moving so her nipples moved against my palm! They were rock hard but I just kinda looked away and watched the cock peeling. Finally, they got his cock loose and Pete started to stand up.

He kinda screamed and dropped back to his knees. It seemed his ball sack was attached too. Well, I did not have to hold Mary's breasts anymore and so she did the ball peeling for Pete. Man, I was sweating! It was a very warm day but I think it was my nerves. My brain had lots of confusion but I knew I was not telling them anything about what I had done. Nothing!

Soon the sack was free and Mary lay on her back and guess what? There was bright pink skin that showed where Pete's cock had been glued to her. I did not say anything because she could not see it and Pete was getting in the pool to wash off. Mary joined him and asked the two of us if we wanted to join them. We declined. The owner was now busy opening all the KY tubes and testing them.

He announced to Pete that he found about half of the tubes had glue in them and the others were okay. He told Pete that he was going back to the company and sending them the tubes to show what had happened. He advised them to get a lawyer and sue the fuck out of KY. Man, I was scared! Pete told him no that he did not need to be in the paper with a law suit for stuck balls caused by KY. It would hurt his business as a chain store magnet for Christian book stores. I was speechless when he said that.

The two of them got out of the pool and walked us to the back gate. Pete wanted to know if the owner and his wife were coming to the party. The owner said yes he would be over. Another shock for me. I don't know if my nerves can take all this excitement and breaking news. Mary asked me if I wanted to come over. There would be singles there. Did I mention she was squeezing my buns and the guys could not see her because she was standing behind me. I politely declined. I think I mumbled something about making deliveries for the shop. The owner told them I was the best delivery and Friday he had ever had. I felt real proud but wasn't sure what a Friday was but it was the first compliment I had ever received.

Sometimes I get the feeling that the gods look over me. If I were a big drinker I think I would probably go get drunk. All this was almost too much for me.